So, I can’t get this movie out of my head.
If you haven’t seen it but want to, and don’t know to know what happens, don’t read on. If you have, or have no intention of, or you’re one of those normal people who isn’t afraid of knowing anything about a movie before watching it BECAUSE ITS ENTERTAINMENT, then feel free to read ahead.
So here’s the basic gist of it:
- Affleck meets Pike in New York, blah blah blah, they love each other, decide to get married. So far so good.
- Shortly after moving in together, they both lose their jobs, her parents raid her trust fund, and his Mum is dying of cancer, so they move to Iowa. OK, slight bump in the road.
- She’s bored, and boring, and he’s a guy. A handsome guy – but lazy and bored of her shit (i.e. a guy). So naturally, pretty quickly, he starts boning the impossibly hot Emily Ratajkowski, who kindly shows off a sensational set of boobs (worth the price of admission, fellas), but not much acting ability.
- Pike finds out about it. Since he’s got no money and she can’t crush him in some demoralising divorce proceeding, she gets EXTREMELY passive aggressive, and this is where I lose my shit.
- She fakes her own murder, by draining blood from her own arm, smearing it on the floor, then cleaning it, and disappears.
- To frame Affleck, she racks up $120k in credit card debt and plants the goods at his sisters house, fakes a pregnancy by stealing the urine of a neighbour, spends a couple of days writing a five-year diary in different pens of what an asshole he is and that he’ll kill her, and leaves all the evidence to be found by dumb but suspicious police.
- This wasn’t some trick to get him a few months in prison before she returned: she’s framing him for the death penalty.
Absolutely terrifying, and could happen to any of us, especially if we were in a position to see Ratajkowski’s boobs. I was horrified enough at this point, because I can see Mrs Wishbone giving it some thought.
But there was more to come.
- While staying at a trailer park, the nutjob gets robbed, hence leaving her without the necessary cash to start a new life as a nutjob in a new location.
- So she calls her ex-boyfriend, Doogie Howser, who is elated to see her despite her having no penis, and takes care of her. Meanwhile, she notices Affleck is winning the public relations battle and gets the shits.
- She rapes herself with a wine bottle, makes marks on her wrists, lets Doogie have rough sex with her, then slices his throat, with the story being that he kidnapped her and sodomised her for a couple of weeks!!!
- She returns to Affleck, and is the hero of the planet.
I mean, I had the shakes from what she did to Affleck, but what about poor Doogie Howser? Takes a whiny hobo in, puts her up in his lakehouse, makes her fondue, and gets his head chopped off for his trouble!
It’s certainly rattled me, and I’ll be thinking twice before sitting in my underroos playing video games all day and humping a student on the side. But ex-girlfriends? Definitely do not come knocking on my door for any sort of help. I’ll hand you my copy of Gone Girl, and send you on your way.
P.S. If Mrs Wishbone is reading this, I’m just joking – there’s no way I’d stray just to see Ratajkowski-level boobs like that.
P.P.S. Emily, if you’re reading this, I definitely would. Email me, or just swipe right.