Flush That Turd 2016: Super League Coach Firing Watch – Pre-season edition
Welcome to your 2016 Super League coach Hot Seat list.
Sky Bet has released the odds for the first coach to ‘leave’ his job, that way you can not only mock the poor unfortunate bastard who you were smarter than all along, but win some money at the same time.
To pick the guy out the door first, you usually need a combination of a) shittier team than it should be, b) loony/trigger happy chairman, and c) generally disliked and/or disrespected individual.
There’s also an intangible in play. Rugby League coaching is the only game where it’s OK to look and sound stupid, but seem like YOU’RE THE RIGHT GUY FOR THE JOB if you have a smashed up, meathead type face, contorted into a perpetually angry look. “LOOK HOW COMMITTED HE IS!”. That’s why the London Broncos have convinced themselves Hendo is the best coach they’ve had since Brian McDermott. If your coach isn’t ugly, watch out – he could be circling the drain.
Welcome to the “generally disliked or disrespected individual” section.
Chris Chester 9/2
His appointment could only have been about budgetary constraints.
I’m sure Chris will tell us how he just successfully got Hull KR promoted from the Super8’s in to the Super League. That’s no mean feat Chris, well done. However, anyone with half a brain and a stripy tie could have avoided the drop in the first place with the squad you had in 2015.
Ian Watson 9/2
I’m sure it seems like laziness that I just used a picture of Watson from Sherlock Holmes there. But there is not one photograph in existence of Ian Watson. You may be asking yourself “who the fuck is Ian Watson?” If you happen to know the answer to that, then you’re a better man than I. In fact if that very question appeared on ‘A Question of Sport’, sandwiched between a picture board of Andy Murray’s mum and Matt Dawson acting like a complete twat, no one would have a clue.
I called Marwan Koukash this week and asked him how confident he is that Watson will see out the season as coach. His reply? “Is this you again Goulding? Fuck I told you already, you’re not getting the coaching job. Stick to your personal training dungeon“.
There’s absolutely no doubt he’s getting the shunt so Sheens can move into the big chair.
Brian Smith 9/2
82 year old Brian Smith built a long, successful career in Australia of losing games that mattered. Blowing grand finals while 12 points favourites? 3 or 4 times. Bundled out of preliminary finals after finishing minor premiers? Check, check and check. Bizarre selections at important positions in big games? Yes-sir-eeee.
That’s why the Super League is perfect for him. It’s not like he’s going to be outwitted by the people on this list.
There’s a couple of reasons his odds are so short. First, his team is awful, even for this league. Second, unless the fact that he’s coaching a team sponsored by a fish and chip shop has mellowed him, he’s as abrasive as a sandpaper jockstrap. Its only a matter of time before he makes demands that can’t be met by a club where the ground is worth less than his contract. Then he’ll be returning home for “personal reasons”.
Lee Radford 9/1
Look, I’ve never met a Hull fan who didn’t think their coach was a complete imbecile. Hull is full of all these bizarre genuises, and they’re all smarter than their local rugby league coach. They have all these weird theories about how rugby league should be played – much like the Smith brothers. Ironically, the only one they ever liked was the 1980s version of Brian Smith.
There’s no way they’re going to tolerate a guy who looks like Lee Radford for long. Not coaching their team anyway. Bouncing on the door at Lyrics? Sure. Brawling with the gippos after a Sunday session – absolutely. But not coaching.
SLIGHTLY WARM BUTTOCKS
These guys need bad starts to the season to get the shove first. They’re a chance, because at least their chairmen have the money to pay them out.
Laurent Frayssinous 7/1
What do we know about this guy? NOTHING. HE SEEMS SHIFTY. VERY FOREIGN. Plus the French are bonkers – they’re a shot to fire him pre-season.
My grandfather always used to say “never trust a man whose eyebrows meet in the middle”. Well, not only have Monsieur Frayssinous’ eyebrows met, but they hit it off, had a drunken fumble and now both pay child maintenance to their illegitimate offspring. I don’t know what my grandfather would have said about Frayssinous’ three eyebrow situation, but he is french, so one thing is for certain, it would not have been pleasant.
Paul Anderson 12/1
I know you’re as puzzled as I am as to why the Sky cameras in the dressing room at halftime never show Anderson. I talked to Ken Davy this week, and he said it’s because Anderson’s job at half time is to operate the DVD player, and to just hit play on old Nathan Brown half time speeches – they’ve got two: one for when they’re winning, and one for when they’re losing. Worked in 2015. He’s in trouble if anyone in Huddersfield can figure out how to operate a DVD player.
For now, Baloo’s parking spot at the training ground is safe. Although, that is largely due to Danny Brough not being able to read the ‘reserved for head coach’ sign. Otherwise, he’d have taken over that from Anderson too. If the early results don’t go Fartown’s way, or Brough somehow learns how to read, Anderson could be in serious trouble.
Tony Smith 10/1
This is an expectations bet. Squintin’ Tony has led Warrington to their most consistent period in their history (sad, huh?). You can tell though that people are queuing up for the “HE’S BEEN THERE TOO LONG” bandwagon.
They’ve added Kurt Gidley to a roster that is sustained through Protein Shake downlines and Take That tickets. So their team should be good. The only real issue is that Tony, like Brian, has a habit of outsmarting himself. You just know he’ll have sold the team and the board on how the off-season camp in Tenerife and his NEW OFFENSIVE SYSTEM will put them ahead of the rest. When it doesn’t, they might get the shits.
UNLIKELY TO BE FIRED BECAUSE THEY WERE GOOD PLAYERS AND HAVE ANGRY, MEATY HEADS
Denis Betts 9/1
I put in a call to James Rule this week to get him to confirm the rumour that for the first three years of his tenure they thought they’d got Shaun Edwards.
Betts has the perpetually baffled look of a relegation-battle Premier League manager. But crucially, he also has the professional, Burtons-suit look of a relegation-battle Premier League manager. Most importantly, he was a successful former player, coaching a club with zero ambition, and fans who are happy to have a plastic pitch inside a tin shed, and to shop at Peacocks. 2016 would need to be a complete disaster for him to go first.
Kieran Cunningham 12/1
They can’t fire the guy after they put a statue of him out the front, can they? Unless he pulls some sort of Jerry Sandusky, the statue is too much work to pull down.
Look, Kezza’s just happy to be there. He’s gonna pick whoever the Buzzard wants in the team, and he’s got the fans on his side. He’s a lock to stay.
Shaun Wane 16/1
Has perfected the look of “Costa Del Crime timeshare owner”, which coincidentally is the same look as “meat-headed former player”. Interesting fact: despite coaching the Wigan Warriors, a “Shaun Wane” search on Google Images still brings up 96 pictures of Shane Warne, and 4 of Shaun Wane. Rugby league’s really getting some profile there.
These odds should be about 10,000 to 1. There is no way in the world Leneghan is ever firing a coach and paying his contract out. After splashing out on Michael Maguire, which worked perfectly in delivering a Super League championship, the idea that Wane would take the job for a 10th of the salary gave Leneghan an erection, right in the boardroom.
Brian McDermott 16/1
This could be a million to one, and it’d still be too cheap. History has shown us that Gary Hetherington doesn’t fire coaches, he just shepherds them off into other jobs (England, Warriors, Leeds Carnegie). McDermott still has the odd press conference meltdown like the old London days, but since he only loses 5 games a season, those meltdowns usually come after he plays Koukash’s team and wins by 70.
Has the meaty, angry coach face down pat, and was a successful former player.
Daryl Powell 20/1
Has the meaty, angry coach face down pat (with added facial tick), and was a successful former player.
Phil Clarke reckons he reminds him a lot of Claudio Ranieri, which shows what a fucking idiot Phil Clarke is. He’d have to pull a Millward to get sacked after taking that bizarre Cas roster and getting it up into the top 6.
So place your bets, ladies and gentlemen – and remember, it’s only gambling if it hurts when you lose.