Gamblers Guide to NRL Finals Week 2
“CASH MONEY, FAM.”
Pump the brakes on the whining about Ennis’ Viking clap
Canberra’s fans came up with a massive wank called the Viking Clap to annoy opposition players and fans when they finally started to fill their ground after 20 years. They probably got the shitty idea from the Tomahawk in Florida or the Terrible Towel by the yinzers. The problem with it Saturday was that Michael Ennis thought he’d give a little bit back at full time after the Sharks phenomenal win.
After Ricky Stuart’s team shit the bed from a 12-0 lead, and with no bunker or refereeing issues or foul play to complain about, Rick had nothing on his whinge list, so he tucked into Ennis:
“To have to sit there and watch him rub our fans’ noses in it after the game was disrespectful and typical Michael Ennis. And for him to then come out and say that some of our fans were giving it to the Cronulla players in the streets before the game, grow up. I don’t applaud what Michael Ennis did. And then when he is fronted he wants to be the ‘other’ Michael Ennis. I am over him.”
OH BOO HOO. How dare he offend the precious sensibilities of a crowd of drunken geriatric yahoos in lime green parkas from a town where birds fly upside-down because there is nothing worth shitting on. That same fanbase Ricky is saving from offence were Melbourne Storm or Roosters fans until 12 weeks ago.
Ricky is the sorest loser in the world, and you’d think he’d be used to it after 160 of them. He also manages to make lifetime enemies literally everywhere he goes. He could stop at a Caltex for coffee and walk out of there with two customers and an attendant wanting him shot and killed. It takes rare talent to be that repellent. Part of his unique skill is being completely oblivious to when he is the pot calling the kettle black. Rick, this is one of those occasions.
Unfortunately, Peter Sterling joined the whiny party Tuesday.
“I’m with Ricky 100 per cent. But what I’ll remember out of that game, the totally unnecessary celebration going over a mocking the fans. I thought it was very, very poor. I’m like Ricky in that I like humble winners. I don’t get it, I honestly don’t get it and I know that Michael will come out and say that he wasn’t disrespecting anybody and say ‘I sometimes go home and I sit there and I watch it and I think that’s another person’, I’m over that too.”
When did Sterling become such a tight-ass? Stick to the Monday night softballs, baldy.
Mad Monday gets played smarter
The Bulldogs held their Mad Monday celebrations this week, and finally showed they had learned some lessons compared to prior years by posting security at the door and keeping the cameras and public out, and ferrying the strippers in by the back door. Mad Monday in the NRL now means you’ve either got to go without any tail for the day, or you’ve got to set up some sort of Charlie Sheen Non-Disclosure Agreement and take the phones off the tarts when they arrive. That would have taken all of the fun out of it in my day.
They showed a very low creativity level with the costumes this year, and probably still behaved like assholes, much like you and I do every time we get blackout drunk during the daytime.
Here’s a tip for the teams. Everyone should wear suits. When you wear a suit, you get a massive asshole discount. Until it is completely disheveled and falling off you like at the Melbourne Cup, people’s first reaction when they see you in a suit is “this guy is clearly not an asshole”. It’s how the City of London and Wall Street have thrived all these years. You can obviously disprove it later, but it gives you breathing room. You can get at least three asshole sentences out before someone registers you’re a shithead if you’re wearing a suit. And the best bit is the media won’t even recognise you.
Great Moments in Snapchat: Jarryd Hayne
Australia has this new bullshit thing where they can charge you with a crime for being in a social media pic or video with a known criminal. But there’s no jail time if you just buy MDMA off them or use their TAB account. Jarryd Hayne is the latest victim. From the video, his biggest crime seems to be that he is a terrible rapper, and a poor judge of the value of drugs.
The bald, pencil-necked tight-asses at the NRL have said they’re going to investigate, and Hayne’s agent Wayne Beavis got out his few paragraphs of lies quickly to stave off any trouble. Danny Weidler is currently putting together an apologist piece for Sunday where he categorically states “that he looked Jarryd directly in the eye” before being lied to – although the question is whether it will still give him room for pumping the tires of Hayson, Farah, Foran and Brett Stewart.
Apparently the big deal about this is that criminal gangs are supposedly using the fact you can hang out with NRL players as a selling point when recruiting gang members. Having to sit through a conversation – let alone a rap song – with Hayne would surely have to go in the “cons” column. Cheap drugs, tax-free income, access to the best tattooists and having the support necessary to avoid prison beatings would be in the “pros” column.
Cowboys (-6) vs Broncos
With that spread, you can bet with zero confidence on this game. It could be the buzzer-beater of the grand final or the two games this year. It could be a Cowboys home belting. Or it could be another one of those Wayne Bennett Magic Shows.
The Cowboys were beat away by a Melbourne team that completed 33 out of 36 sets. Brisbane finally looked to have their shit together aside of the wingers being unable to take a bomb, and Hunt being unable to find his kicking game in 2016.
Here’s your best bet: put an equal bet on each team to win by 1-12:
If you’re confused by betting tickets….
BET: Brisbane +6.
Raiders (-1.5) vs Panthers
Penrith are the hot hand after the Raiders bubble got burst. If Hodgson’s out, take the Panthers.
BET: Panthers +1.5
Gratuitous Cheerleader Pic of the Week
The blonde looks SAUCY.