Gamblers Guide to NRL Week 1

Welcome to the Tim Simona Memorial NRL Gamblers Guide for 2017. 

According to the SMH, Simona is about to be banned for life from rugby league due to an investigation by the ludicrously overnamed Strike Force Nuralda and the misnomered “NRL Integrity Unit”.   THEY HAVE SCREENSHOTS.

Simona’s crime was apparently betting tiny amounts on his opponent to score against him, which surely could have earned him up to $20 in profit lifetime, given that other players are allowed to make tackles or score in rugby league.   A life ban denying him maybe $1 million in NRL earnings qualifies as a unique combination of dipshittery and gross over-reaction by the NRL.

Useless reactionary bald asshole Todd Greenberg, fast becoming the Roger Goodell of rugby league, brought his tough-on-crime quote out, naturally:

“If and when we need to make some hard decisions, we’ll make them.”

Naturally, Greenberg did not mean that the NRL and its clubs or broadcasters will stop taking ludicrous amounts of money from gambling companies, or fielding ads during telecasts every time there’s not a play-the-ball.  You know – hard decisions like that.  That might reduce the size of his paycheck, or the general boondoggle the NRL has going on pissing away money.

Shoving a dumb kid in a locker for life – that’s the place to be tough.  “Welfare” in rugby league apparently only counts if you get drunk and do some damage, or dabble in some recreational drug-taking.

The NRL should get ready for a big bill

Hefty former Newcastle Knights (and Scotland!) winger James McManus is suing the Knights for letting him continue to play while he was concussed.  His law firm is disrespected ambulance chasers and financial incompetents, Slater and Gordon.

This is a terrifying prospect for the NRL and rugby league clubs everywhere for two reasons: a) the NFL just agreed a payout of a billion dollars in a concussion settlement with former players, and b) the number of players concussed playing at all levels of rugby league who were allowed to play on once they could stand is estimated at “all of them”.

The NRL was, as usual, extremely helpful, saying “they now have protocols in place.”  A McManus win might open the floodgates, especially as any TV segment involving Mario Fenech can be used as evidence for the plaintiff.  Or any game involving Les Davidson. Case Closed.

The bloke I feel sorry for is the guy who played 14 seasons for Townsville Brothers and made $4,800 lifetime while spending $35,000 over the club bar.  When his wife switches the microwave on, he pisses his pants and forgets who he is for a half hour.  Slater & Gordon won’t be helping him out.

THE GAMES

Inexplicably, Sportsbet have the Panthers on the top line of betting for the minor premiership.  They finished 6th last year, and gained Mitch Rein, James Tamou, and the Gus Gould Player Spa Facility.  That price seems excitable.

Speaking of Gus, in his Sunday column, he managed to pick all 16 teams to make the 8.

Lots of low-spread away favourites this week.  Bet with no optimism whatsoever.

Sharks v Broncos (-1.5)

No Mick Ennis, and no Ben Barba.

BET: Brisbane -1.5.

Bulldogs v Storm (-1.5)

Melbourne are the most boring team on the planet.  Any 8 point lead, and you can turn your TV off – they’re not scoring again.  They are completely disinterested in offence.  Their big play is Cooper Cronk charging at a goalpost.  The rest of their points are scored by the annual winger they get in to score 22 tries for $22,000 before he goes to play rugby union.  Also, the players are EXCRUCIATINGLY boring.

The Dogs are outsiders to make the 8, which doesn’t make a lot of sense.

BET: Storm -1.5.

Rabbitohs (-3.5) v Tigers

Over-under on how many times “against his old club” will be mentioned: 11.

BET:  Rabbitohs -3.5.

Dragons v Panthers (-7.5)

That Dragons team is ugly.

BET:  Panthers -7.5.

Cowboys (-7.5) v Raiders

Raiders fans have now experienced the full portfolio of what Ricky Stuart has to offer. You’ve had your crushing playoff loss, when a dickfingered winger refuses to catch passes. You’ve had your deadening, mediocre season. You’ve had your season of meltdowns.  You’ve run the gamut. Were you unable to beat the runaway wooden spooners in regular time TWICE? You know you were. Strap in for what fresh Rickyness 2017 will bring.

That line seems high.

BET: Raiders +7.5

Titans v Roosters (-2.5)

I’ll forgive the Chooks their baffling 2016 for this week anyway.

BET: Roosters -2.5.

Warriors (-16) v Knights

That line is a bit excitable.  That’s an awful looking Knights team, but the Warriors normally stop playing when they get a decent lead.

BET: Knights +16.

Sea Eagles (-2) v Eels

The Eels are our eternal harvesters of sorrow.  They have an administrator running both the Leagues and Football clubs.  Because he can add up, and doesn’t have an extensive history or fraud, embezzlement or brothel ownership does not mean he won’t be blessing the club with a freshbrand of boobery.  Eels fans will be throwing full beer cans off highway overpasses by week 10 again.

They outbid everyone for COREY NORMAN.

Nate Myles is thrilled with the opportunity to get even slower this season.

BET: Eels +2.

BRING BACK THE BIFF OLD TIME FIGHT OF THE WEEK

Les Davidson vs Steve Roach

FLUSH THAT TURD

There’s nothing better for an overweight and/or unathletic fan than being drunk.  The second best thing, given you can’t do any better than the players, is to know that coach sucks and you can do better.

These are the coaches on the hot seat in 2017 you can ridicule and death-ride all season long:

  • Jason Taylor – no-one can believe this whiny asshole still has a job, even the Tigers board, who were infuriated to find out if they sacked him, they’d have to pay out yet another coach along with a huge fortune for Taylor running Robbie Farah out of town.
  • Paul McGregor – there’s no way this guy is making it into 2018.  The Dragons have started unblocking fans on their Twitter account this week in the hope that with the games starting, the focus will be on abusing McGregor instead of Doust.
  • Michael Maguire – word is that Maguire has changed things up in the offseason and has promised to become “less abusive”.  Let’s see how that goes after a few losses.
  • Stephen Kearney – he didn’t last the season at his last gig, and his public persona is “sharp as a bag of wet hair”.
  • Nathan Brown – Brown will be trying to sell us on his “long-term plan” all season long, while his team tries to prove the Knights should not be in the NRL.
  • Trent Barrett – look out for their first Channel Nine game, where Gus Gould will spend the entire time giving Trent a tongue bath.   They’ve historically gone brilliantly without Steve Matai and Brett Stewart.

Gratuitous Cheerleader Pic of the Week

Gotta love a Mermaid.

Author: Max Smith

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