Gamblers Guide to NRL Week 10

Ah – problem solved: the All Blacks are going to fix the Warriors

Graham Henry NZ Warriors NRL

NZ Herald:  Warriors coach Andrew McFadden will be leaning on Sir Graham Henry’s experience of facing adversity when the former World Cup-winning All Blacks coach takes on a new role at the league club.  McFadden faced one of the biggest decisions this month since becoming coach of the club in 2015 by dropping six players in the energy drinks and prescription drug affair.  The club announced yesterday Henry, who guided the All Blacks to the 2011 World Cup, has been signed up to provide support for the club’s NRL squad and football department over the next month.

This is all very sad now. The Warriors aren’t even interestingly, flamboyantly ridiculous anymore. They don’t have the energy to be bugfuck insane. They are a broken down amusement park with only three rides left open.  The coach is a bald meat puppet. Everyone they pay over five hundred grand a year to move over from Australia immediately slips four vertebrae.  They get a new part-owner to come in every few years to defray Watson’s losses before falling out with him. Now they’ve hired a man to mentor Cappy that permanently has a facial expression like he’s smelling farts.  You’ll note that Henry was their SECOND choice, after Laurie Daley decided not to stick his nose in.  Henry consulted his buddies Gin and Tonic as to whether this was the right gig for him. Everyone agreed it was a good talk.

Isaac Luke and friends will have to hear lots of speeches about the TOUGH YEARS Henry went through coaching Wales and the Lions before – in a huge shock – winning loads of games with the All Blacks.  About how CULTURE IS EVERYTHING.  Manifestos will be drawn up after days and days of meetings.

They drafted a three-point manifesto: “You’re an All Black 24/7. No more mock courts. No more binge drinking. No women in the team hotel. Better people make better All Blacks”.

No more drinking, fucking or having fun, Warriors!  Of course, your hastily arranged manifesto will have a fourth point: “No more energy drinks and prescription drugs if you’re nilled in an away game”.

Great Moments in Rugby League Advertising

This magnificent ad should capture the attention of every single Brit not sporting an overbite and singing sad songs in a pub.

The Dacia Magic Weekend everyone!
Dacia Magic Weekend

What is going on there?  Who green-lit that?  Why is the bridge pylon falling over?  Why would you have a random blimp just to include an unreadable logo?  Why would you not mention it’s rugby league – are you hoping people will just think it’s a northern Glastonbury?  Why is there a rocket flying out of his head?  Could they have made the First Utility logo any smaller?  Does a tab of hallucogens come with your ticket, or do you need to buy them from a shady Geordie on the way to the ground?

Aussie fans will probably be unfamiliar with the Dacia – it’s a Romanian-built automobile mainly seen being destroyed in Bourne movies:

Dacia Sandero

That’s the exact model they’re providing for Wayne Bennett to drive around in while he’s in town.

THE GAMES

Home teams in capitals.

Thursday:  DRAGONS vs Raiders (-2.5)

Jesus – is this what we’re getting on Thursday nights now?  Its the Resistible Force vs the Movable Object!  The Dragons are scoring less than 10 points a game, and the Raiders are conceding over 22.

At least with St George, you know what you’re going to get: crap.  Meanwhile, somewhere in Eastern Europe, someone is flicking a random light switch that they believe does nothing but, in fact, exerts complete and total control over how well the Raiders play football. Whenever Anders flicks it up, they look like a playoff team. But when Anders flicks it down?  Ricky is having an aneurism on the sideline, before chewing out the referee at the airport.

Aidan Sezer actually looked good in City-Country, which experts put down to not being coached by Ricky Stuart.  The man-bun guy is injured for St George, which isn’t unrelated.

Bet: Raiders -2.5

Friday: EELS (-6) vs Rabbitohs

All that drama from the NRL and the Eels get to play for points this week after shedding one non-rep hooker, while having 3 others on their roster.  That really fizzled out quick, huh?

Foran’s still out, and no-one has any idea whether South Sydney are going to turn up this year.  They usually bash the Eels, but can’t be trusted.

Bet: no bet.  

Saturday:

PANTHERS (-4) vs Warriors

This is another one of those home matches that isn’t a home match for the Panthers.  Either the bookies didn’t notice that, or they think that the ongoing Warriors train crash will continue.

By the way, the Warriors brought to one hundred percent the percentage of NRL players taking energy drink and painkiller cocktails.

How exactly did Penrith have 7 players playing rep football last week, a list that didn’t include Segeyaro, Soward or Moylan?

Bet: Warriors +4

STORM vs Cowboys (-6)

Another pretend home game that’s part of a double header with the Broncos game.  Melbourne’s attack has hit form, but the Cowboys defence is every bit as good as Brisbane and Melbourne’s.

Bet:  Cowboys -6. Best value: Melbourne 1-12 at $4. 

SEA EAGLES vs Broncos (-12)

Brisbane have averaged 35 points a game in their last four starts, and this is a home game for them.  Plus, no-one named any rep teams this week to upset any of their players’ delicate mental framework.

Bet: Broncos -12.  

Sunday:

KNIGHTS vs Sharks (-14)

The Knights have put up a better showing at home this season than away, where they’ve gone 0-91 the last 2 games.  You’d still have to favour the Sharks to run away with it – they’ve punished the crappy defences in 2016.

Bet: Sharks -14.  

TIGERS vs Bulldogs (-10.5)

If it wasn’t for the Raiders, these two teams would vie to be the most inconsistent rabbles of 2016.  I’m not getting drawn in to betting for or against the Tigers until they hit the doldrums again, or JT gets punched out by one of his players.

Bet: no bet.

Monday: TITANS vs Roosters (-6)

Cordner, Pearce and JWH are back.  The Roosters might not suck, which is terribly upsetting, because everyone (me) was thoroughly enjoying wax dummy Trent Robinson melting down.

Bet: Roosters (-6)

SEASON RECORD: 25-21

Brad Arthur’s Life Tip of the Week

Former hobo, and future ex-Parramatta coach, Brad Arthur will join us from time to time to share his tips for living frugally if you are, for example, an assistant coach for 35 years.

brad arthur life tip

“If you just try to grill a kangaroo’s head, it’s not gonna work. I coached in Cairns for six years and there were dead kangaroos everywhere. You had to let the head simmer in water or canned tomato cocktail, and you needed a LOT of paprika. What I did was… I would put the head in my ‘cooking drum’ in the morning, and then I would go patch up the holes in the floor of my Holden Kingswood, and then the head would be ready just before bedtime… so long as no bogans had stolen it. I had to put a tube of chicken wire around the pot to keep them away from it. Of course then I had a hard time getting to it too! Took a really long straw to get at that pot. You can live on that head for at least four days if you ration it right.”

Music Tune of the Week

Explain why this is not your ring-tone:

Haircut that needs to be eradicated immediately: the Man-Bun

St George Dragons man bun

I feel like there’s no way Mark Broadhurst, Vince Karalias and Kevin Tamati would have tolerated this helmet, and the game is poorer for it.  They were also unlikely to have tolerated his straight nose and would have made some adjustments to it for him.

Flush that turd

Your 2016 Coaching Hot Seat list, who all got a week off from having their team embarrass them this week.  Still no firings in 2016:

  • Jason Taylor
  • Michael Maguire
  • Andrew McFadden
  • Neil Henry
  • Rick Stuart
  • Trent Barrett

Gratuitous Cheerleader Pic of the Week

SASSY.

Mermaids NRL Cheerleaders

Author: Max Smith

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