Gamblers Guide to NRL Week 12

State of Origin 1

It’s Origin week, which means that your TV and radio will be flooded with even more useless former Origin players than usual. One of the perks of being an Origin player is that, until the day you die, you get to spend six weeks a year giving opinions on players you’ve barely watched, telling vapid stories about Fatty coaching, or Game 2 1989 or Michael O’Connor’s kick from the sideline, and tricking yourself into believing the world still gives a shit about you.

Winning a State of Origin series confers a sense of validation upon these men. All that adoration and love you get in the wake of winning a series hardens into a permanent delusion of your own importance. You are now a FORMER ORIGIN GREAT, and that’s how you end up with half these guys thinking they’re heads of state as soon as June 1 kicks around.

Queensland, of course, started this bollocks.  Until 1992, the state had nothing of national importance in rugby league to brag about, so they treated an Origin win like the moon landing.  They since shown a sensational knack for passing their own special lack of self-awareness onto their successors.  Any former player is allowed to parlay a multi-game career into an assistant coach gig come Origin time.  You don’t even have to wait til you retire – Billy Slater is an assistant coach this year.

Blues players and fans alike could justifiably laugh that nonsense off until Phil Gould came along, and later, his illegitimate bastard son, Ricky Stuart.  In a stunning lack of originality, they created their own “Former Origin Greats”, and the entire charade kicked up to a new level.  To elevate his own importance, Gould speaks of State of Origin like it’s collecting the tablets from Mount Sinai, even pretending there is a special mystic character feature that makes Josh Mansour into “HE’S AN ORIGIN PLAYER”.   Even Andrew Johns couldn’t take any more.

Johns Origin Wank

You might think I’m overreacting.  Then, in six years time, you’ll be watching Robbie Farah and Daly Cherry-Evans tell their Origin stories about the toughest pushing and shoving contests they can remember, and you will fire a weapon at your HD TV.  At some point, this has to stop.

Great Moments in Social Media

Corey Norman Consorting

Who knew “consorting with known criminals” was a crime?

Get a load of this:

“Under the terms of the act, a person can be charged with consorting if they habitually consort with convicted offenders. To be classified as ‘habitually consorting’, a person must consort with at least two convicted criminals, and consort with each convicted offender on at least two occasions.”

What a pile of shit.  If the club can’t pay your Third Party Agreements, there’s only one place to go: known criminals.  They’re the only ones with the loose unlaundered cash and a steady supply of MDMA and other muscle relaxants that are completely outside the clutches of the NRL salary cap.

THE GAMES

Gambling Awareness Week

This week is Responsible Gambling Awareness Week in New South Wales.  So as not to hurt the gambling industry or degenerate gamblers too much, they pick the first split round of the season where only a true degenerate would gamble on the games.

Friday:  BRONCOS (-12) vs Tigers

I thought Wayne Bennett was going to break down in tears with his lament that he’ll lose half a dozen players to Origin for 6 weeks.  Fortunately, he’s still got Hunt and Milford.  Next year, he’s planning to organise a piss-up at the Emerging Origin Camp so they can all get banned.

Bet: Broncos -12.  

Saturday:  DRAGONS (-2.5) vs Cowboys

The Cowboys are without JT, Morgan, Tamou and Scott. The Dragons are without Dugan, which might even be worse.

Bet: Cowboys +2.5.

Sunday:  RAIDERS (-3.5) vs Bulldogs

These two teams were the least damaged by Origin, and they’re both erratic from week to week.

Bet:  Bulldogs +3.5.

Monday: KNIGHTS vs Eels (-8.5)

Only 8.5?

Bet: Eels -8.5

Wednesday:  NSW v QLD (evens)

I have nowhere near as much insight on who’ll win as say a Matt Sing or a Shaun Timmons.

Bet: Qld (evens)

 

SEASON RECORD 32-25

 

How Much Should Daly Cherry-Evans Make This Week?

Daly Cherry Evans Money

E.  NRLPA minimum.

Another pedestrian, run-sideways, rudderless game from the DCE, with him getting lauded for the odd lazy grubber kick that one of his teammates recovers.  I guess we owe him the minimum. No player has ever made more money for doing so little.

 

Brad Arthur’s Life Tip of the Week

Former hobo, and future ex-Parramatta coach, Brad Arthur will join us from time to time to share his tips for living frugally if you are, for example, an assistant coach for 35 years.

brad arthur life tip

“You don’t need some fancy big screen TV to have your own State of Origin party.  If you go down to your local shopping centre, the idiots always put their TV’s right in the window, and they’ve always got the game on. So you grab yourself a lawn chair and a bag of old bread crusts, and you’re in business.  The bread crusts are good eatin’.  You also want to get a handful of old ball bearings.  Every now and then some other hobo will stand in front of the screen or ask the score. Hurl one of them at his noggin, and after some cursing, he’ll move on.”

 

Music Tune of the Week

Axl Rose is fronting AC/DC at the moment, and people are either very happy about it or absolutely livid.  It’s like Trump running for President.  So here’s a throwback to the Reagan Era for you hard-core conservatives:

Snack Food of the Week:

Soup for Sluts

No confusion in that packaging.

Flush that turd

Your 2016 Coaching Hot Seat list:

  • Jason Taylor – Ah, well done JT.  Your team was the first in a month to beat the Knights by less than 72.
  • Michael Maguire – Souths have gone from losing terribly to having their wins horribly overrated.
  • Andrew McFadden – here’s Cappy’s rundown of the game in his press conference:

“To be a good defensive side you need trust and there is clearly a lack of trust in our side at the moment.  I need to find people who are willing to put their body on the line.  We’ll have to get together and have an honest talk but it’s wearing thin. The talk – it’s time for something else. Half a dozen blokes didn’t show the urgency required to play first grade.  It’s embarrassing. There was a real softness there. We gave up soft points again. It’s just unacceptable.”

Now you, like me, might be surprised that Cappy, 25 months into the job, is still shocked by this, and is still “looking for people willing to put the body on the line”.  25 months, they buy bigger names every year, and zero has changed.

  • Neil Henry – OK, he’s off the list.  I’ll figure out someone else to add.
  • Rick Stuart – wins against the Warriors don’t count Rick.
  • Trent Barrett – 4 and 7, and he looked absolutely devastated when they blew their comeback.  Now he gets to fail to coach Tony Williams.

Gratuitous Cheerleader Pic of the Week

All cheerleader crews stick to a ratio – a 2:1 number of blondes to brunettes.  Do you think that’s her real hair?

NRL Rd 5 - Tigers v Sea Eagles

Author: Max Smith

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