Gamblers Guide to NRL Week 13

Des Hasler

Dessy Hasler joined Wayne Bennett this week in taking a shot at the nit-witted system the NRL’s been using for 35 years where they ruin the club competition and the players for six weeks every year to hold State of Origin.

It used to be that they just made the Origin players back up to play 2-3 nights after their weekend club games.  Then they came up with the much, much better current system where they just make those players take the week off before State of Origin, and back up for the club games after.  This goes on for 6 weeks running.

Dessy’s beef come up after a special kind of half-assery from the NSWRL.  Despite naming a 21 man squad originally and having 5 days to assess the players, they sent Josh Morris back to the Bulldogs before changing their mind on match day and asking for him back.  Dessy had already given Will Hopoate a religious holiday, so he was as pissed as Dessy gets.

In an amusing aside, Ricky Stuart said he would never complain if he had players missing from a game for State of Origin, because those players get them to grand finals.  Given Ricky’s penchant for complaining about everything real or imagined, no-one believed for one second that he wouldn’t complain about it.

There’s not a single person who doesn’t believe the system is a complete nonsense.  But the decision makers give exactly zero shits, and here’s why: even the garbage games rate their tits off and produce fabulous entertainment that can be filled with 247 ads.

In Round 12’s games without the 35 or so best Australian players, we had a one-point finish, a two-point finish, a four-point finish, and a game with a comeback from 20-10 down.  With a lot of night games, most people are drunk when they’re watching, and couldn’t give a shit about the quality of football, just that the games are lose and interesting.  If Dessy wants the system to change, his best bet is to team up with the coaches from the teams with lots of Origin players (Brisbane, Melbourne, etc) and just lose 60-0 for the entirety of the split rounds.  Get Eddie Hayson on board and try to make some cash out of it. Try and have it over by the 12th minute so no-one is watching Joel Caine.

Until then, Nine, Fox and the NRL with continue to not give a shit.

The Games

Home teams in capitals.  Check the lineups before you bet – blokes like Bennett have a habit of resting any old bastards after an Origin.  And bet gently – that Origin game looked like it took a tonne out of the players.

Friday: RAIDERS (-5.5) vs Sea Eagles 

The Raiders continue to show absolutely zero consistency from game to game or even half to half.  While it feels like they win a bunch of games, they’re still only 6-5-1.

The Sea Eagles meanwhile are very, very ordinary.  Despite a bunch of good players, they have no ability to put a side away or to compete with the top teams.

Bet: no bet. 

Saturday:

WARRIORS vs Broncos (-4.5)

The Broncos under Wayne Bennett are the best team to be a fan of.  Their four losses have been by a total of five points.  They always compete.  It was baffling though that their halves and hookers were so poor last week.

The Warriors are still a mess – third worst defence in the comp.

Bet: Broncos -4.5…. unless Parker and one more of those 4 Origin forwards are left out.  

COWBOYS (-20) vs Knights

Even with a bunch of players backing up and the Knights coming off a spirited loss to the Eels, the Cowboys should win this in a canter unless Green gives some players an early mark.

Bet: Cowboys -20 (bail if Scott/Tamou are rested)

STORM (-2) vs Panthers

The spread’s a bit low because Cronk might be getting a rest.  That aside, the Storm are a mile better than the Panthers at home.

Bet: Storm -2

Sunday:

ROOSTERS (-7.5) vs Tigers

8 is a lot of points even though no-one has any faith in the Tigers.

Bet: Tigers +7.5

RABBITOHS (-4) vs Titans

Hard to believe, but these teams have the same record and an almost identical for and against.  Could go either way against the spread.

Bet: no bet. 

Monday:  BULLDOGS vs Sharks (-1)

The Sharks have consistently been a better team than the Dogs this year.

Bet: Sharks -1

SEASON RECORD 33-29

Celebrity Tipster Bet of the Week

We put in a call to degenerate gambler, former insolvent and ex-Stiletto’s owner Eddie Hayson to get his bet of the week.

Eddie Hayson Stilettos

“Ah, shit.  Look, I know I said I’d help you blokes out with a tip this year because of that incident at the knock-shop a few years back, but does it have to be this week?  They’re all over my ass.

I owe millions to a raft of people – drug dealers, footballers, jockeys, boxers, family, friends – even a convicted murderer.  They kidnap me every now and then and shove a gun in my mouth until I rustle ’em up some cash.  Those assholes banned me from Star and from the TAB – so you tell me,  how am I meant to get their money back if I can’t fix NRL matches?  I don’t have the brothel any more to comp them at.  Plus, when I got Keiran’s TAB password from his brother, I blew through seventy-five grand in three hours, then they shut down his account before I could go on a run on South African greyhounds.  Jesus, I miss the whoremongering game.

I usually get most of my inside info from Joey Johns, but the Knights are shithouse and there’s no money to be made from them any more.  Now Foran’s injured I can’t make any money off Parra either.  Luke Davico’s got me on the Raiders shit list too.

I might have to try out the Warriors – no-one will notice if they throw a game because they’re ratshit.  Let me see what I can do – take the Broncos -4.5.”

Thanks Eddie – and good luck with the Organised Crime Squad.   It shouldn’t be a crime to rip off bookies.  

Booze Move of the Week: The Boob Luge

Tailgating is an NFL thing that hasn’t kicked off in the NRL, due to the fact that the grounds aren’t built in industrial wastelands with 80,000 car park spaces.  But the Boob Luge doesn’t appear to need a lot of space, and is worth a shot, Todd Greenberg.

Flush that turd

Your 2016 Coaching Hot Seat list:

  • Jason Taylor – it doesn’t count when you beat a team by one without six starters.
  • Michael Maguire – week off.
  • Andrew McFadden – week off.
  • Rick Stuart – two completely different teams in one game.  Baffling.
  • Trent Barrett – match-fixing allegations against his players over the two losses that got his predecessor fired is not what Trent needed.

Gratuitous Cheerleader Pic of the Week

How do strippers and cheerleaders learn to walk in heels like that?  Is there a class you take at college?

Canterbury Belles

Author: Max Smith

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