Gamblers Guide to NRL Week 3


Manly are the new Parramatta

Manly’s new CEO apparently sacked Bob Fulton’s daughter this week, which will no doubt reduce the number of future fishing trips Bozo and Tim Cleary will be doing together.  Luckily, Bob’s other two kids are employed by the club still.  Its a family show.

Manly have started out 0-and-2, and looked generally terrible for most of their two games.  Bozo was brought in before the 2016 season to revamp the football department and roster.  That led to a host of terrific decisions:

  • Firing club legend Geoff Toovey, in exchange for a rookie coach.
  • Talking Cherry-Evans into reneging on his Gold Coast deal with a ludicrous 8-year, $10 million deal.
  • Extending Brett Stewart, despite him no longer having any knees.  Stewart and Steve Matai won’t play this year, but will take up $1.2 million in cap space.
  • Signing a host of either overpaid or never-wases in Marty Taupau, Dylan Walker, Nate Myles, Lewis Brown, Api Korisau, Blake Green, Curtis Sironen and Jackson Hastings.

The result has been 8 wins in 26 games.  They’ve got internal fighting, and a bloated salary cap with overpaid and injured players.  Its time for Bozo to put out one of the Phil Gould patented “5 year plans” that can be unfulfilled after 9 years if you still talk about “all the young talent coming through, and sign a couple of local juniors to big contracts.

They have taken the fuckduddery crown off Parramatta.

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Simona debacle is a tale of boobery all round

The SMH ran a few more details of Tim Simona’s betting that resulted in an effective life ban from the NRL this week, and lets just say up front that Simona is not exactly Arnold Rothstein.

Simona’s “crime” was placing 50-odd0 bets for a total of $600 on first tryscorers and games, including his opponents.  That sounds bad on the face of it, but when your coach is Jason Taylor, its the smart move to bet that your team will be outsmarted in at least a few games.

The Bald Pin Hammer Toddy Greenberg invoked his usual faux tough talk in saying Simona was banned for life, despite acting alone, and not altering his performance to affect the bets.  This magnificent set of big money stings resulted in Simona actually losing $400, making him the worst match-fixer of all time.

Before you feel too sorry for Simona, there was one bit of shithousery that came out: he was selling his signed jerseys on eBay with the money “going to charity”, when he apparently meant “going to leading bookmakers”.

Toddy also told us that Simona will be “provided with welfare and assistance”.  This is NRL-speak for pretending to give a shit about a player: we run you out of the game while talking tough, showing no empathy whatsoever for the dumb things pretty much all young men do in some shape or form, but then to make ourselves feel good and sound like we’re helping the young men we spit out of the game, we pay for an external psychologist for you to visit once a month for a nice chat.  Oh, and here’s the Gamble Responsibly Hotline.

The kicker of this entire saga is one for the digital age.  He was grassed by his ex-girlfriend, who placed the bets for him, and gave the NRL the screenshots after he refused to pay her $10,000 for new boobs.  Thats just lovely.  This won her the Bryce Cartwright Ex-Girlfriend of the Week Award.  No word if she asked Simona for 200 grand and paid holidays to Bali, Bora Bora and Paris to delete the screenshots.

They both spoke at length (separately) to the Daily Telegraph, where she managed to come across as a class A nutjob, and Simona added to his list of victimless crimes by admitting using the Andrew Johns Method (c) to avoid NRL drug testers so he could binge on coke.  What a time to be alive.

THE GAMES

Storm (-4) v Broncos

Brisbane must be getting sick of playing the Cowboys.  This is their third game against a top-4 team to open the season.  Melbourne have won two tough away games, both while pissing it down.

BET:  Broncos +4.

Bulldogs v Warriors (-2)

The Bulldogs haven’t been that bad in their two losses.  Just not good. Tuivasa-Sheck is out for the Warriors.

BET: Bulldogs +2.

Titans v Eels (-4)

The Eels on the other hand, have looked very good.

BET: Eels -4.

Knights v Rabbitohs (-5.5)

I’d avoid this game til we figure out who South Sydney are.  Reynolds makes a big difference, and we’ll have to see whether Cody Walker can come up with a repeat of his Brookie game.

BET: No bet.

Panthers (-1) v Roosters

The Panthers have looked shithouse for 110 minutes, and good for 50.  I’m not ready to get on the bandwagon.

BET: Roosters +1.

Cowboys (-11.5) v Eagles

That spread’s a bit too high for a team missing Matt Scott and Taumalolo.

BET: No bet.

Raiders (-8) v Tigers

These two teams were a complete shambles for the final 50 minutes last week, much like Mitchell Moses socks.  Avoid.

BET: No Bet.

Sharks (-8) v Dragons

I think it will be a bit closer than that.

BET: Dragons +8.

SEASON RECORD:  11-5 against the spread

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How Much Should Jarryd Hayne Be Paid This Week?

Options:

A.  Not as much as Slater.

B.  Whatever the 49ers were paying him.

C.  NRLPA minimum, plus win bonus.

D.  The dole.

E.   Refund the fans.

Jarryd got a try, but went off after half an hour, not providing full value for his $50,000 a week.

VERDICT:   NRLPA Minimum. 

THE BRING BACK THE BIFF OLD TIME FIGHT OF THE WEEK
 

 

Brad Arthur’s Life Tip of the Week

Former hobo, and future ex-Parramatta coach, Brad Arthur will join us from time to time to share his tips for living frugally if you are, for example, an assistant coach for 35 years.

brad arthur life tip

“There’s a big difference between place like Bateman’s Bay and Cairns, and here in Sydney, and that’s the museums.  The lesser known museums are FREE.  If you’re in a free museum, what have you got?  Free toilet, that’s one. Free soap dispenser, that’s two. Free pamphlets for kindling and wiping your undercarriage, that’s three. And if you’re lucky enough to hide and not get tossed, you’ve got free lodging for the night. I can’t even count the number of times I’ve spent the night inside the old train in the Powerhouse Museum. They only caught me one time. They got REAL sour about the sweat stains.”

FLUSH THAT TURD

There’s nothing better for an overweight and/or unathletic fan than being drunk.  The second best thing, given you can’t do any better than the players, is to know that coach sucks and you can do better.

These are the coaches on the hot seat in 2017 you can ridicule and death-ride all season long:

  • Jason Taylor – lost.  Collapsed in a shambles.
  • Paul McGregor – lost.  Back to duds.
  • Michael Maguire – won!  They didn’t seem to enjoy his pre-match speech.
  • Stephen Kearney – lost in a cyclone.  If it wasn’t for the miracle tries, I’m not sure they’d have scored one this year.
  • Nathan Brown – won!
  • Trent Barrett – lost.  If they could condense their games into just the 10 minutes they’re good for, Trent would be one hell of a coach.

Gratuitous Cheerleader Pic of the Week

You don’t see big hair as much as you used to.  Shame.

Author: Max Smith

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