Gamblers Guide to NRL Week 5

The Bulldogs should not be entertaining any ideas of getting rid of Des Hasler

Des Hasler was this week’s Boob of the Week after the Dogs shit the bed completely in a 36-0 collapse at the ludicrously named Lottoland.

A bunch of ex-Bulldogs players and fans lined up to exclaim that Dessy WASN’T CANTERBURY ENOUGH, and the media line was that Hasler has worn out his welcome.

Hasler is in his 14th season, and has a 59% win percentage with two clubs.  In 8 seasons at Manly, they made the finals every year, won two premierships and made another grand final.  Before his arrival, they hadn’t made the finals since the late-90s.  At the Dogs, he instantly took them to the minor premiership in the year he joined, has made the finals every year, and made two more grand finals.

Careful what you wish for, Dogs fans.  Sure, he’s got a few too many fat guys on that team, and seems to have some obsession with inserting Aiden Tolman in every play, possibly because without his glasses, he mistakes him for Daly Cherry-Evans.

But there’s no way I’m getting rid of that unless he’s a complete turd to deal with on a day to day basis, and Ray Dib does not have the type of personality to make that judgment, as his brain is 50 percent Brylcreem.  With Ivan Cleary off the market, you could end up with the next Nathan Brown, Steve Kearney or another one of Peter Moore’s relatives.

Also, this:

Wayne Bennett and the media, 2017 edition

Your quarterly Media Bash of Wayne Bennett is on.  And there’s nothing whiny, holier-than-thou media types hate more than getting called out on their bullshit in public.

Pre-season prognostications that he had lost his aura and that his players “didn’t know who he was any more” turned out to be wrong. Whoopsie.  Genitally androgynous pinhead, Paul Kent – almost always wrong, but in no way ever afflicted by doubt – ran a story that Anthony Milford was a lazy turd who skips his last two reps if no-one’s watching, and blamed Benji Marshall for the leak, forgetting the famous Pot, Kettle dogma.

Wayne decided to remind everyone that his players come first, and told a press conference that he talked to Marshall, and decided to let it out that Kent had never spoken to Marshall.  Benny Ikin told Kent the story, so we’re roughly at third hand by the time Kent windbagged the story out on Fox Sports.


Being called out did not go down well with sleeves-rolled-up Kenty:

“Wayne is changing, a lot of people close to Wayne who have been close to him for a lot of years, they’re confused by Wayne now. They don’t know who Wayne is anymore, they’re wondering where he’s going now.”

By a “lot of people close to Wayne”, he means Ben Ikin.  Kent then accused Bennett of having a God complex, which Wayne should have answered by playing this clip:

This is all ‘who cares’ bullshit to the main event.  A bunch of shithead journos, including Kent and Danny Weirder, are trying to toss in any innuendo that they can that Bennett’s somehow a different coach or human being because of his current private life situation.   These wet lettuces won’t come right out and say it – they’d prefer to keep their “wink, nod” I’m-in-the-know routine running, while ignoring their own skeevy personalities, which, coincidentally, have only changed over the years for the worse.

If they don’t mind, they can all fuck off, and choke on their own curly pube hair.


There are some humungous spreads after all the thrashings last week.  7 out of 8 games last week were decided by a concerted try or more.  As a rule, bookies generally over-estimated the margins in 2016, and in the early weeks of 2017.  The NRL are excitedly telling us how there have been more tries scored so far this season, but the high-scoring games have been the thrashings.

The tightest spreads this week are FOUR points.  5 of the 8 games have spreads above a converted try.  There’s some decent paper mismatches, but if these games are going to be played in the hangovers of cyclone weather, they might be a bit closer than expectations.

Bulldogs v Broncos (-6)

The Broncos aren’t blowing anyone away on offense, but their defense is in in gear. But you can’t imagine the Dogs welching on Dessie again.

BET: Bulldogs +6.

Roosters (-8.5) v Sea Eagles

Bizarrely, the Eagles have gone 66-8 the last two weeks against decent, if out of form, sides.  DCE actually looked worth the money last week.

BET: Sea Eagles +8.5.

Cowboys (-9.5) v Rabbitohs

Tuamalolo and Coote are back for the Cowboys. This game was in danger of being cancelled, but Friday is going to be sunny and 33 (fuuuuuuck Townsville), so that should dry it out a bit.  10’s a big spread for a Cowboys side not in form, and doing the season without Scott and Tamou.

BET: Rabbitohs +9.5.

Sharks (-18) v Knights

Fucking hell, Nathan Brown.

BET: Knights +18.

Raiders (-6.5) v Eels

The Ricky Raiders are back to their wildly inconsistent, super-talented, error-ridden ways.  The Eels, if its humanly possible, are even more inconsistent.

BET: Raiders +6.5.

Storm (-4) v Panthers

This should give us an idea whether Penrith are for real.  Your best bet is the win line.

BET: Storm at 1.60.

Warriors (-7.5) v Titans

In a huge shock, it’s rain in Auckland.

BET: Titans +7.5.

Tigers v Dragons (-4)

The best thing going for the Tigers is that Brooks is out.  The worst thing is that Moses isn’t.

BET: Dragons -4.

SEASON RECORD:  17-10 against the spread

How Much Should Jarryd Hayne Be Paid This Week?


A.  Not as much as Slater.
B.  Whatever the 49ers were paying him.
C.  NRLPA minimum, plus win bonus.
D.  The dole.
E.   Refund the fans.

Didn’t play.

VERDICT:   The dole. 

In a huge shock, like all fights in the 80s, this one involved Les Davidson. Bizarrely, Sterlo was the only one sin-binned.


There’s nothing better for an overweight and/or unathletic fan than being drunk.  The second best thing, given you can’t do any better than the players, is to know that coach sucks and you can do better.

These are the coaches on the hot seat in 2017 you can ridicule and death-ride all season long:

  • Jason Taylor – FIRED!
  • Paul McGregor – won!  That’s 3 from 4!  Mary is trying to get off this list.
  • Michael Maguire – lost.  They’ve beaten two teams who suck,and been towelled in their other games.
  • Stephen Kearney – lost.  The Warriors are going to have to write off another season.
  • Nathan Brown – lost.  And we’re back to 2016’s form.
  • Trent Barrett – won!  That’s 2 in a row.  Phil Gould will be frothing himself.

Gratuitous Cheerleader Pic of the Week


Author: Max Smith

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