Gamblers Guide to NRL Week 8
Where have all the fat NRL coaches gone?
They say the NRL is a copycat league, and one of the problems with having a ridiculously fit 67 year old winning all the time means coaches are terrified to front up to their board looking like Seth Rogen, lest they look at each other and say, “Well, he’s no Wayne Bennett”.
Now they’re all fitness freaks, hit the gym and drink water during games. It’s dribbled all the way down to the assistant coaches, who only threaten to pop their polo shirts in the bicep region. It’s not like the old days, where lard-asses like Harry Bath and Big Artie Beetson used to test the bench on the sidelines. That was real coaching – light up a durrie, and watch from 100 yards away.
Even Shaun McRae used to be allowed to coach. I’m telling you, it’s fat-discrimination.
The fact is, if they’ve got time to exercise and eat healthily, they’re not working hard enough at their jobs. A coach SHOULD have a stress-eating disorder. At least 4 of them should be smoking during games. It’s not like they need a decent physique for any reason other than fitting their necks into those sponsored-collar dress shirts that are the current fad. You want the guy who had to eat Dominos 21 times a week because he’s at the office studying film of games and new players to sign night and day, and has to cut up his team issued gear because his dimensions aren’t cutting it.
This is the ideal coaching physique:
Great Moments in Rugby League Social Media
— Bobbie Goulding (@Goulding7) April 21, 2016
It’s the 20th Anniversary of the 1996 St Helens team, which won Super League I (beating the likes of Workington, Paris, Halifax and Oldham) and the Challenge Cup over Bradford entirely thanks to Bobbie Goulding and his bombs.
To celebrate, Saints decided to fake-invite the players and coaches they didn’t like, by letting them know a week before the event. Goulding, who has a personal training dungeon to run, called the lack of NOTIFICATIONNTION FORGOTON TEAM ABSOULUTELY DISGUSTING. Hard to argue with that in any language.
Let’s hope Shaun McRae isn’t in the seat next to you if he decides to fly coach.
No short weeks for anyone this week to sneak a bet in on.
Home team in capitals.
FRIDAY: BRONCOS (-12.5) v Rabbitohs
Another double-digit home spread for the Broncos. May as well let it ride. Souths didn’t show much against the Cowboys last week to suggest they’ll slow Brisbane…. although they might try to show some grit after Matty Johns called them fat. Both teams have a full week’s rest.
Bet: Broncos -12.5.
BULLDOGS (-11.5) v Titans
The Titans haven’t had a loss over 8 points since Melbourne in Round 2. That loss to St George was moribund though – a complete bore. Meanwhile the Dogs continued their schizophrenic run. I don’t like that spread.
Bet: Titans +11.5
RAIDERS (-7.5) v Tigers
Here’s what that ballboy was really saying:
You had to feel for Jason Taylor Sunday. They get the error, work it into position, and if Moses could kick his grandmother down the stairs, they beat the Storm, end a four game losing streak, and can shut the critics up. Moses has become a complete klutz on any important play.
Meanwhile, the Raiders have conceded 76 in 2 games. After last week, you could blame two away games and a 5-day turnaround, but the reality is they’re a flaky team.
You know those ads where they say “bet responsibly”? No-one could possibly bet responsibly on this game.
Bet: no bet.
COWBOYS (-8) v Eels
This line’s moved a couple of points the Eels way this week. The Eels beat the Cowboys at home earlier in the year. I don’t think they can stop them twice.
Bet: Cowboys -8.
SUNDAY: SHARKS (-2.5) v Panthers
He might not use much energy on tackling or running, but he sure shows some energy when he’s kicking or celebrating. This “Standing Shitting” celebration move came after he put a kick in and the team forced a dropout: IN THE SIXTH MINUTE. I think Gus told him he could use the new whirlpool at the spanking $22 million “Panthers Academy” if he forced a dropout.
Bet: Sharks -2.5
KNIGHTS v Sea Eagles (-5.5)
Things are going swimmingly up in Newcastle. They follow a pretty consistent pattern as a club: once a decade, they bring in an outsider to clear out all the dead wood (Smith B, Bennett W), then decide THEY’RE NOT NEWCASTLE ENOUGH, and decide to rely on locals who engage the community and love the Tradies jersey for the rest of the decade, which usually involves finishing in the bottom four.
What the Knights have to do is a searching examination of their successful years to see why they were successful: Andrew Johns. The current roster is atrocious. Quit farting around with these Mullens and Roberts and go out and buy some top players. Just don’t let Tinkler pick them.
Bet: Manly -5.5
DRAGONS v Roosters (-2)
The Resistible Force against the Movable Object. Nope, fuck this game.
Bet: no bet.
STORM (-4) v Warriors
Auckland: where careers go to die. The latest victim is Roger Tuivasa-Scheck, who blew out his knee
on the plane over in Round 7. That graveyard is filled with the signed jerseys of Betts, Goodway, Alexander, Blake, Ridge, Iro, Vagana, Wiki, Price, Tate and Hoffman.
The Storm’s offence is still hot garbage.
Bet: Storm -4.
SEASON RECORD 17-18.
How Much Should Daly Cherry-Evans Make This Week?
E. Refund the fans.
Still out, and Manly got hosed – refund the fans $50,000.
Celebrity Tipster Bet of the Week
Brad Arthur’s Life Tip of the Week
Former hobo, and future ex-Parramatta coach Brad Arthur will join us from time to time to share his tips for living frugally if you are, for example, an assistant coach for 35 years.
“There’s been a lot of talk this week about peppermint oil and pickle juice. I don’t mind telling you, pickle juice saved my life in the summer of 2004. The family down the road from my cardboard house used to eat all the pickles, and just leave the jar full of juice right there in the bin! Waste not, want not. You can’t pass up free pickle juice. I had a great summer on it until the old lady started hitting me with a mop for rummagin through her bins. One thing for NRL clubs to be aware of: My Dad used to say ‘Just remember – don’t drink the pickle juice until all the pickles are gone – those things can take your eye out.’ I didn’t believe him, and had to wear a patch for 3 weeks.”
Music Tune of the Week
Not sure if it’s the best album of the 1980’s — my vote is for Nebraska — but Purple Rain is the best song of the decade.
— Kirk Minihane (@kirkmin) April 21, 2016
There was lots of this garbage on Twitter yesterday, and I nearly blew my brains out when I read that. No-one had mentioned Prince’s name in 20 years until he died. The Express was dubious about a wealthy man in his 50s dying of “flu like symptoms” in spring:
Watch out for that autopsy. Anyway, I digress – as you know, the song of the 80s was Sweet Child O Mine, followed by Livin on a Prayer.
This, rugby league fans, came in third:
Flush that turd
Your 2016 Coaching Hot Seat list:
- Jason Taylor – I must admit, I did feel sorry for the poor bastard this week, after Moses tossed the win into a dumpster. What a boob. I’m lying – I didn’t feel sorry for him at all.
- Brad Arthur – Brad is being removed from this list temporarily, until Parramatta has another sort of board meltdown/salary cap drama/embezzlement case. Maybe another former player will try to get on the board and get a crony in as coach. Maybe Danny Crnkovich for CEO. Maybe Tulsen Tollett is also on the ticket. Brad has also asked that we focus our attention on his life tips.
- Andrew McFadden – that was a big home win in the pretend away game last weekend. Cappy might survive the season at this rate, unfortunately.
- Neil Henry – Henry is the ultimate boring coach for this boring, boring team.
- Rick Stuart – Poor Ricky looked like his cubby-house had fallen down around him after the game, after another 0-24 start. It was hard not to be tumescent just watching it. Rick’s got the same confusion about rugby league as Jason Taylor: if you don’t learn to grind as a team on offense, your performance relies on you making very few errors.
- Trent Barrett – Trent looks so cute giving those AW SHUCKS pre-match interviews to the Molans and Sampsons of the world. Maybe that’s what won Bozo over. Geoff Toovey is unemployably tumescent at seeing the Eagles in 12th.
Gratuitous Cheerleader Pic of the Week
Manly sure do pump ’em out.