It’s time for an Independent Commission to run British rugby league

These All-You-Can-Eat buffets never have all you can eat!

These All-You-Can-Eat buffets never have all you can eat!

The opening week of the Super League was well received by rugby league fans.  Well, except Salford fans.

 

In reality, it was a huge dumpster fire.  While the NRL is making 2.5 million bucks from the Auckland 9s, we had Wigan destroying their pitch to the tune of 2.5 million quid.  While the NRL’s coaches were honing their teams’ attacking skills with some 9-a-side, our coaches spent the week pissing and moaning about the greatest breathing sports coach being appointed to coach our national team.  Even if Wayne Bennett does have more passports now than Jason Bourne.  

Look, our administrators have running the sport in the UK into the ground for years now, and are now devoting their time to aligning us with darts, mushy peas and Romanian car dealers.  They just keep making the sport whiter, closing it off to an entire demographic of YouTube rap stars.  They’ve had enough chances – things are getting worse, not better.  We’re third world as far as sports go. 

Now unlike the traditional rugby league media, we’re not just whingers here at GuyJest – we’re solutions guys.

What has hit home is that the RFL needs to follow the NRL example and hand over the reigns of the game to an independent commission.  After seeing the enormous success of the Australian Rugby League Independent Commission under the guidance of guys like The Banker, Bug-Eyes Greenberg and Lard-Arse Richardson, it’s a no-brainer to institute it here.

Now, obviously guys like Nigel Wood, Marwan Koukash and Lord Hoyle can’t be part of the new independent commission.  They’re out. You’ve got to follow the NRL model, and get people who know nothing about rugby league, like David Smith, John Grant and Wayne Pearce.  Or the BBC commentary team.

The new commissioners have got to be arm’s length from rugby league. Ideally they’d know nothing about the game.  Like when Richard Lewis came over from tennis. He’s probably the finest rugby league administrator in the history of the world, and he’d never seen a game. Did we see the best of Richard Lewis? Well, we probably did – but we want to see it again!

You need people who have almost no contact with the game.  People who don’t understand the game and don’t have any respect for the game. And have no respect for it’s traditions.

As soon as the new Commission is in place – and next weekend isn’t too soon – these are the changes we’d like to see brought in: 

  • Have you seen the NRL coverage on Premier Sports?  Obviously, we need more gambling involved in the coverage. Sometimes I’m watching drunk and I forget to have a bet for 20 minutes. If some sort of Chris Joynt or Keith Senior type came on every 10 minutes and told me what the inplay betting price was, I’d go and have another bet. It’d make these terrible games like Wigan-Catalan watchable. 
  • Introduce a salary cap exemption for every guy deemed a loose cannon.  We’ve got all this nonsense professionalism nowadays, with all it’s role models and associated guff. It’s destroying rugby league.  Exemptions would provided for guys like Todd Carney, Gareth Hock, Kevin Locke, guys with a history of cuckolding team-mates.  See, if teams have to cut a player for crashing the coach’s car, it’s the club and its fans who suffer. That player should not count against the cap, so if you’ve got to cut him for crashing through a student’s door, you can just replace him.  It means you’d take a flyer of more of the types of player London Broncos and Salford have recruited over the years.
  • Bring back the big S on the chest of all the jerseys.

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  • Big game entertainment.  First off, all that Abide with Me and orchestra bullshit at the Challenge Cup has got to go.  What a snoozefest. Meanwhile, at the grand final, no artist should be engaged to perform unless their album was originally available in vinyl – no more Gina G.  
  • To improve the integrity of the game, GPS monitors should be sown into player’s jockstraps with a horn that goes off every time they’re offside.  Solve the entire “Git em ornside referee!” argument. 
  • Get that ridiculous Parliamentary commendation for League Express revoked. 
  • Introduce a system where anyone living in the M62 corridor who has their television on a rugby union game or soccer immediately has Barrie and Terry come round to their house, remove their television from the wall, and destroy it in the street as a lesson to others.  
  • Lobby the government to introduce “pokie palaces” that are used to fund rugby league clubs.  Fans could then spend anywhere up to £10,000 a night (got to impose a limit) and go into enormous debt for rugby league.  Make the ultimate sacrifice.  Imagine if British fans could visit their local Salford Devils Leagues Club (the Taj Mahal), and have the feeling of putting coins in a dozen poker machines at once to enable their club to sign Greg Bird?  What a thrill. 
  • Improve the promotion of the game.  Since we’re paying him now, let’s make Wayne Bennett do a promotional tour of the Dacia factory.  Show us the assembly line; let us get a feel for how they’re made.   

Once they take care of that stuff, they can launch a “whole of sport” investigation into who the hell came up with and OK’d the current Triple 8 mid-season split competition system, and have them all pantsed in Leeds Town Square.

 

Author: Max Smith

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