Jolie applies the Heard Plan


Angelina Jolie has, for whatever the real reason, decided that, after waiting a dozen years to marry Pitt, and helping him adopt more kids than Antonio Cromartie conceived, she would divorce him inside two years.

She’s clearly taken advice from the same consultants that helped Heard set up Depp.

First, blindside your partner, and get out your sympathetic reason to the gossip websites before he even knows about it – in this case, Pitt’s “methods” of raising their children are not what’s best for the children. Yes, I’m sure attempting to impose some parenting on children living in a 80,000 sq ft compound is much more harmful than their initial years in Cambodia and Namibia.


When many, many people are certain that that could not possibly be true, have “sources familiar with the situation” suggest that he was fucking his co-star, and that you were forced to hire private investigators to spy on him. This is entirely plausible, since that’s how you stole him from his wife in the first place.


When said co-star points out that its bullshit, as she’s currently pregnant with her boyfriend’s child, it’s time to invoke your long-running backup plan.

This step is where you leak a cellphone recording of your husband wasted, acting like a rambling drunk and physically harming nobody. Like every Dad ever. No-one will suspect that being married to the type of woman who secretly records you or having 17 screaming kids running around would make anyone a little belligerent.


So far no monetary demands have been made of Pitt, either directly or to women’s shelter charities. The only demand is sole custody of the children. Which is a clever card to play, and is usually followed, as Charlie Sheen can attest, to demands of 25 grand per kid per month for child support, as is entirely necessary to keep them and not their mother flying in private jets and in large housing.


Jolie was a generally batshit crazy and terrible actress in universally boring movies who occasionally got her norks out, which was only very mildly redeeming. She is now just a generally batshit crazy and terrible actress in universally boring movies.  Pitt comes off as something of a dull, harmless pothead. He’s probably very boring to the woman who keeps vials of blood of ex-boyfriends in necklaces, attends UN meetings and has a history of mental illness. I’d respect Jolie’s decision if she just said he’s a dullard, and I’d like some cash and a good home for the kids. It should work like a plea bargain for a felony – you get a better deal if you come clean up front.


Author: Max Smith

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