Koukash brings in narcoleptic to help at out Salford



In yet another lurch to starboard, Salford Red Devils owner Marwan Koukash in bringing in renowned nodder-offer Tim Sheens as a consultant for three weeks in his monthly “What the Hell Is Going Wrong/Let’s Change Everything” session.

“I’m not walking out on the club. We’re going to come out fighting. I’m going to work harder and if Iestyn wants additional resources he will have them at his disposal.

“And also a friend of mine will be visiting me soon, to look around the club and give me his opinion. I’m not the most experienced person in rugby league – I’ve only been in the sport for three years – and sometimes I need extra help.

“That friend is Tim Sheens, who will visit me for three weeks and advise me on various bits and pieces and help put some systems and structures into the club. “

Koukash, a regular visitor to Australia, says he expects Sheens to arrive for a pre-arranged visit by the end of the month and insists his presence will not threaten the position of Harris.

“He’s not coming for any other reason but to look at the club as a friend to help me out,” Koukash said.

A FRIEND OF MINE.  Met him at Narcoleptics Anonymous.  You know, advising on various bits and pieces.

Sheens is renowned in Australia as a burnout who once won some premierships, and for falling asleep during games, press conferences and training sessions.

Having recycled through 4 coaches in two years and 20 players in two off-seasons, Koukash’s impeccable sense of timing has led to bringing Sheens in 3 months after signing 12 players, and after the entire pre-season program is safely complete.  After one dicking on national television.

There’s an old saying that opinions are like assholes, and in this case, Marwan is purchasing an opinion that will involve sleepy explanations of how much better everything could be done LIKE WE DO IN AUSTRALIA and stories from the 1980s.  There will be lots of talk of “culture”, and “structures”. Its likely Sheens will advise Ken Nagas be signed to the club, but its most certain that Sheens will advise some former player/assistant coach of his be brought in as an assistant. (Heads up – it’s Todd Payten, not Ryan O’Hara).  Of course, a player agent will emerge out of the shadows and 12 more players will be signed in the off-season, with pre-sold Promixx downlines.

Sheens could really do Koukash a service by saying:

“You’ve done the dumbest thing you’ve ever done in your life.  Not that you ever will, but even if you got things half-right at this joint, you’ll still have a club in SALFORD, in the sport’s second rate competition that seemingly until the end of time will be dominated by four clubs, none of which will be yours.  You’ll get crowds roughly a quarter of what you need to break even, and you’ll be roundly abused by former players, and particularly fans. Stop trying to prove your smarter than everyone else, and dump this stupid idea immediately. Leave a million in the joint as a stupidity penalty.”

“Also, horses don’t tweet.”

Do it Sheensy – do it now, before you nod off and cost Marwan a couple of first class Emirates return tickets, and £20,000 in hotel and beverage costs.



Author: Max Smith

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