Leonardo DiCaprio supposedly wears headphones & vapes during sex

FacebookTwitterGoogle+

Leonardo DiCaprio vaping

CELEBitchy Star Magazine has another exclusive about Leo’s sex life.  Leonardo DiCaprio “is selfish, lazy and downright rude,” says a source whose BFF bedded him. “She told me that during the act, Leo put on headphones and even started vaping! Then he signaled her to keep going while he just laid back and zoned out.”

The woman was so confused by the situation that she just carried on, embarrassed and hoping for things to change. But Leo continues to lie there, listening to MGMT, while his “date” was left wondering what was in this for her.

*********

Look, I hate to rain on Star Magazine’s parade here, but that is absolutely every guy’s idea of perfect sex.  Sure, every now and then we’ll want to put on a show let the entire league know we’re still clutch when it matters.  But if you give us a choice, we’d rather just lay there and watch the game or listen to music and have a drag while the partner from our preferred sex does all the work.  Maybe we’ll get a little involved at the end when it gets interesting.

The issue is that for most of us, we run that game twice in a row or 4 times out of 10, and we’re getting put on the DL.

Leo on the other hand has no such issues.  He could pull that a dozen times over a weekend and still have a dozen fresh Victoria’s Secret level models to bang.  He’s scorched Giselle, Kelly Rohrbach and Blake Lively.  A vagina would have to have a cape with a big “S” flying out of it to make it interesting.

There’s an old list that’s been on the internet forever describing a man’s perfect day (below).  This is fundamentally Leo’s life.  At no point does that list include putting any effort in during the sexual acts.  Of course he’s putting on earphones and vaping.

P.S.  If he’s fucking it up, maybe there’s more for the rest of us?

*******

The Perfect Day For Him

6:00 Alarm

6:15 Blow job

6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section

7:00 Breakfast – steak and eggs, coffee and toast – all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler

7:30 Limo arrives

7:45 Several beers en route to the airport

9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)

9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)

11:45 Lunch-steak and lobster, three beers and bottle of Dom

12:15 Blow job

12:30 Play back nine (4 under)

2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)

2:30 Fly to Bahamas

3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude who also bend over a lot showing their growlers

4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) – on light tackle

5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson (bending over showing her growler, naturally)

6:45 Shit, shower and shave

7:00 Watch news – Michael Jackson assassinated

7:30 Dinner – lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits

9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV as you watch football game

9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies

11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer

11:30 Night-cap blow job

11:45 In bed alone

11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note four times and forces the dog to leave the room

11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep.

**********

FacebookTwitterGoogle+

Author: Max Smith

Share This Post On
468 ad