OK, which Olympic sports have gotta go?

You can’t say that the IOC have bloated up the Olympics with events by keeping historical ones while adding awesome new ones.  They’ve kept the overall number of events reasonably constant, but 2 out of every 3 new events is hot garbage.

Here’s all the events, and whether they should be kept or arseholed.

ARCHERY

If you want to give them a Robin Hood style bow-and-arrow set so there’s some genuine skill in it, great.  When you give them some advanced mechanised weapon, I vote no:

Larry+Godfrey+Olympics

While Matt Stutzman is particularly awesome, anything that can be operated by one foot and your mouth, does not belong in the Olympics.

matt-stutzman

ATHLETICS

This is the Olympics.  Keep it.

BADMINTON

Does anybody even play badminton any more?  The shuttlecock is the most useless item in sports.  Arsehole it.

BASKETBALL

If they could just find a way for the Dream Team to suck again, it’d be interesting.  I’m ambivalent.  Lithuanians go batshit for it.  Keep.

BEACH VOLLEYBALL

Sophie van Gestel Jantine van der Vlist Rio 2016

I’ve never seen it, and it probably sucks, but you can’t argue with the aesthetics.  Keep.

BOXING

If you’re going to keep this, it’s got to go the way of tennis and basketball and a) include the pros, and b) get rid of the bullshit blue singlets and headgear.  It’s unwatchable.

CANOE SLALOM

Canoe Slalom

What a nonsense.  Arsehole it.

CANOE SPRINT

canoe sprint

Meh.  Why can’t they just have the one where they do it sitting down?  No-one will miss it – arsehole it.

CYCLING BMX

bmx-bandits-nicole kidman

Every activity on the planet has at least one movie about it: Any Given Sunday, Tin Cup, Bull Durham, Days of Thunder, Hoosiers, Raging Bull, etc.  Even Cool Runnings.  When your sport’s movie stars a 14 year old Nicole Kidman, it’s not an Olympic Sport.  Arsehole it.

CYCLING MOUNTAIN BIKE

They didn’t even make a movie about this garbage – its even worse. Arsehole it.

CYCLING ROAD

Cyclist crash rio 2016

High speed crashes?  Yes!  Keep it.

CYCLING TRACK

Cyclist crash rio 2016 2

High speed crashes?  Yes!  Keep it.

DIVING

I can cop – reluctantly – the solo diving.  I can accept it takes skill, despite the fact a 14 year-old can win the gold medal.   But the sychronised stuff is too fruity.  Keep the solo, arsehole the synch.

EQUESTRIAN DRESSAGE

Olympics Day 11 - Equestrian

Anything you can do in a dinner jacket is not a sport.  Also, you trained a horse.  Not a sport.  Arsehole it.

EQUESTRIAN EVENTING

I’ll reiterate the dinner jacket thing.  Not a sport.  Arsehole it.  

EQUESTRIAN JUMPING

How do they have three activities for this?  Arsehole it.

FENCING

Don’t be ridiculous. Arsehole it.

FOOTBALL

Just like basketball and tennis, either gets the pros on board or arsehole it. The Olympics is meant to be about the best, not “the best who are not involved in preseason promotional tours”. Arsehole it if you can’t get the pros.

GOLF

How did this get in there? They already have 8,000 pro tournaments a year, and the major competitor is the course. Arsehole it.

GYMNASTICS

There’s a whole bunch of categories in this fruity, leotardy sport, and they all appear to take a lot of skills that will never be required outside of the job “Stunt Man in a Batman Movie”. The one where they whip the ribbon around is just thrill a minute.

I buy into two themes on this: if a 16 year old can win the gold, it’s not a sport, and if it requires judges to tell you who won, it’s also not a sport. Now if guys like Brian Meeker would plow into the horse more often, or they greased the bars, I’d be a bit more on board.

Absolutely arsehole it.

HANDBALL

handball olympics

That picture sums it up.  Seems like a game for people who couldn’t play real sports. Why is she leeping one foot off the ground?  Why is no one attempting to stop it?  Why is the ball the size you can palm but not throw properly?  It’s shit.  Arsehole it.

HOCKEY

Kate Middleton Hockey

If you can play it in heels and a plaid jacket, and public schoolboys represent the viewership, it is not an Olympic sport.  Arsehole it.

JUDO

Judo is cuddling and rolling around in pyjamas. Arsehole it, and replace it with whatever martial arts this is:

MODERN PENTATHLON

Tightly packs five shit sports into one medal – listen to this list of events: fencing, 200m freestyle swimming, show jumping, and a final combined event of pistol shooting, and a 3200m cross-country run. Either make it five interesting events, or arsehole it.

ROWING

I can cop this – just get rid of that canoe shit. Keep.

RUGBY

Since this is 7s, and countries like Fiji can win it, keep it. But make it rugby league rules – the rest of the planet will at least understand it, and you don’t need to have all those awesome two man lineouts.

SAILING

Look, obviously its not an Olympic sport. Having said that, let me say this: it can work if they use all-female crews with a beach volleyball theme. Otherwise, arsehole it.

Sailing

SHOOTING

Olympics Shooting

Shooting, I can cop. Some high tech virtual reality weapon pinging a target I cannot. Let’s get Gubernatorial candidate and ex-Navy Seal Eric Greitens to come up with the format:

SWIMMING

Like athletics, this is the Olympics. Keep it.

SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING
Lifestyle-Aquarobics1

Don’t be ridiculous. Arsehole it.

TABLE TENNIS

This was one of those activities that had at those ‘clubs’ your parents dumped you at in school holidays so they didn’t have you running amok around the neighbourhood. Arsehole it.

TAEKWONDO

Swap this out for UFC. Arsehole it.

TENNIS

Yeah, fine. Whatever. Its more competitive and mildly more watchable than golf.

TRAMPOLINE

If a dog can do it, it’s not a sport.

TRIATHLON

They need to cut this right down from the 18 hour tough guy event it is now. Make it a sprint, a cycle sprint, and 100m in the pool, and you can keep it.

VOLLEYBALL

volleyball

Made redundant by beach volleyball.  Either upgrade the costumes, or arsehole it.

WATER POLO

This is just underwater nip slips and groping. Arsehole it.

WEIGHTLIFTING

Yeah, this is an Olympics sport.

WRESTLING FREESTYLE

greco roman wrestling

This is just cuddling in your underwear. Any activity where a finger in the ass is a competitive move is not a sport – just ask John Hopoate.

WRESTLING GRECO-ROMAN

I don’t know the difference, but this sounds even fruitier.

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Author: Max Smith

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