Sean Penn’s El Chapo interview is straight bananas

el chapo

Sean Penn – yes, you read that right – managed to get an interview with notorious escapee drug lord, El Chapo for Rolling Stone magazine, where he set about proving that while journalism is a dying art, it still has tremendous value.  Penn must have established his credibility as the RIGHT GUY to get the story out with his performances in movies like Carlito’s Way and Pauly Shore is Dead.

You’ll get plenty of rundowns of El Chapo’s responses, but I thought you’d like to enjoy some of the baffling musings of Sean Penn.  I have no idea how he pounded out so much gibberish, so I’m going to go with “heavy meth use”:

“At 55 years old, I’ve never learned to use a laptop. Do they still make laptops? No fucking idea!”

I have no idea how it is possible for a grown man somewhat functional in society to have no idea whether laptops are still sold. He must take a phenomenal amount of hallucinogenics.

“Espinoza is the owl who flies among falcons.”

There’s those hallucinogenics again.

“We sit within quietude of fortified walls that are old New York hotel construction, when walls were walls, and telephones were usable without a Ph.D.”

Not only are laptops a thing of the past, but telephones need Ph.D’ to be operated.  Ah, for the times when walls were walls.

“But I’m in my rhythm. Everything I say to everyone must be true. As true as it is compartmentalized. The trust that El Chapo had extended to us was not to be fucked with.”

Turns out that a man who can’t operate a laptop or phone somehow led the security agencies straight to El Chapo.  The extended trust is now completely fucked.

“Places where what can go wrong will go wrong, had gone wrong, and yet in the end, had delivered me in one piece with a deepening situational awareness (though not a perfect science) of available cautions within the design in chaos.”

What a sentence fragment: a deepening situational awareness (though not a perfect science) of available cautions within the design in chaos.  There’s those hallucinogens again.

“We are cruising at well over 100 miles per hour. I like speed. But not without my own hands on the wheel.”

OK, maybe its speed, not meth.

 “I throw my satchel into the open back of one of the SUVs, and lumber over to the tree line to take a piss. Dick in hand, I do consider it among my body parts vulnerable to the knives of irrational narco types, and take a fond last look, before tucking it back into my pants.”

Take a quick, fond look at your dick before it’s cut off by irrational narco types, who you’ve had some experience buying your speed/meth from.

“And as he and his cohorts share a chuckle, I look to the sky and wonder how funny it would be if there were a weaponized drone above us. We are in a clearing, sitting right out in the open. I down the tequila, and the drone goes away.”

Told you he was hitting the hallucinogens.  Pound some tequlia, and surveillance drones go away.  Or don’t.

“Following this Clark Kent-into-Superman extravaganza.”

Nice dated pop culture reference.  Shoulda maybe used one of those laptops before now – you could have worked a Breaking Bad reference in there.

 “At this moment, I expel a minor traveler’s flatulence (sorry).”

You know we can’t smell it through the screen, right?

“I go Full-Trump-Gringo on Kate, battering her daily by phone, text and encrypted email.”

Penn now has his Ph.D in telephone operating.


Author: Max Smith

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