The Amanda Knox documentary, reviewed for non-watchers

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Amanda Knox and her soul mate who she met 5 days earlier, Raffaele Sollecito, were charged with the 2007 death of 21-year-old British student Meredith Kercher in Perugia, Italy. Kercher was sexually assaulted and found fatally stabbed in the apartment she shared with Knox. Both were convicted after police said DNA evidence linked them to the crime, but they were acquitted in 2015 by Italy’s highest court because of “stunning flaws” in the investigation and a lack of evidence. In between their first conviction and final appeal, Knox and Sollecito were acquitted and convicted again in Kercher’s death.

A new Netflix documentary, imaginatively titled “Amanda Knox”, explores the eight-year saga with exclusive interviews with Knox, Sollecito and lead Italian prosecutor Giuliano Mignini.

Here’s the cynic’s guide in case you can’t stand to look at that scary shark-eye stare of Knox’s:

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The star of the show is charming, empathetic, man of integrity, Daily Mail journalist, Nick Pisa. Nick was reluctantly forced to cover a story that clearly left him shaken in a difficult situation where he continually double-checked facts, avoided reporting speculation, and sought the truth while risking being scooped by his unscrupulous competitors, hungry only for a front page byline.

Just kidding. Pisa is a nuclear contamination-level asshole, with smarmy git topping. He came off as a clueless narcissistic boob, who printed everything he felt like to keep his name on the front page. He joyfully told the camera it wasn’t his job to check anyone’s bullshit, in case he missed a scoop. I look forward to him hosting GMB when Piers retires.

giuliano-mignini-netflix

This is prosecutor Giuliano Mignini. He does not have any recognised training to investigate a murder, but that wasn’t his biggest problem. His biggest problems are a) he lives in a complete fantasy world inspired by 99c crime novels, b) he looks like a skeevy john, and c) he’s a boob. He was unimpressed by facts or crime scene forensics, but was very impressed by the idea of a 4-person orgy.

amanda-knox-raffaele-sollecito

Raff seems like a dipshit. Maybe he was there, maybe he wasn’t. He was so pussy-drunk from losing his virginity to Knox, he definitely would have done whatever she wanted. He might be retarded.

rudy-guede

Rudy Guede broke the cardinal rule: if you rape and murder an exchange student in your adopted country, do not stop to take an enormous dump.

Rudy might have done the best out of everybody: Convicted of murder and sentenced to 30 years in 2008, after a discount for a fast track trial and an appeal, he’s already out on day release.

trump-chainsaw

Trump made an appearance, recommending a) the President do something about it even though he was born in Kenya, and b) Americans should boycott Italy. His DNA was not found at the scene. The real lesson is that Italians should avoid employing American exchange students who are likely to have someone murdered at their home, because they are likely to be implicated as the murderer.

Amanda Knox and Christopher Robinson

I wouldn’t sleep or jerk off in the same room as Knox. This guy, her current boyfriend, does, but unfortunately he did not make an appearance. He had HUGE potential for fuckstickery. Her name on his letterman jacket is the least objectionable thing about him.

Knox is also a narcissistic loon, with a tenuous grip on reality. She was bonkers from the day she landed in Europe: “In Seattle I was cute. In Italy, I was a beautiful blonde.” The documentary painted her as a reclusive cat lady that lives in Seattle now. We all know she’s still out every weekend getting her legs blown off.

After watching the documentary, reading Wikipedia and other internet resources and considering all the facts, it’s painfully clear that for a 4-way sex game that ended in a throat slashing and a careful cleanup involving a duvet tossed over the victim, there’s zero biological traces that could be attributed to Knox or Sollecito in the room of the murder or on the body of the victim. But she’s annoying, so I find her guilty as charged. I’m pretty sure this was Giuliano Mignini’s logic.

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Author: Max Smith

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