The Haters Guide to the 2016 Four Nations: Australia Edition



Your Team: It’s Australia!

This humid deathtrap of a country, whose main tourist attraction is a house decorated in beer cans, is strictly the domain of drunken racist suburbanites obsessed with property prices.

Australia, always the world leaders in knee-jerk reactions, have taken a STRONG STANCE ON MISBEHAVIOUR with their selections for the Four Nations, loosely defined as anything that might have upset Rebecca Wilson, may she rest in peace.  In the NFL, you get a 2 game suspension for knocking your wife out in an elevator, and four games for anything short of a double homicide.  In Australia, you miss an overseas tour and 200 grand for offending whiny people for 10 minutes.

Andrew Fifita was left out of the team for the crime of wearing his imprisoned childhood friend’s name on his wristband.  Semi Radradra is strenuously denying his former partner’s charge that he physically abused her, but the NRL have ruled him “a dickhead”.  Jarryd Hayne did some awful rapping with a bikie.  All three were left out of the team, although in Hayne’s case, its the third time he’s been left off his own personal “dream team” in 12 months.

Get a load of this from NRL chief executive Todd Greenberg:

“We believe to wear the Australian jersey, you should have to distinguish yourself both on and off the field.  Our determination is to build a culture in the Kangaroos which every Australian can be proud of.  I hope players realise that misbehaviour can in future lead to them missing out on their dream of playing for their country.”

EAT SHIT, TODD.  I wish administrators would have their misbehaviour documented and punished by similarly vague, kneejerk rules.  With a face perpetually like someone stoned on Mogadon, Greenberg would definitely have a huge closet skeleton count.

Of course this rule only counts for replacement-level players.  Jonathan Thurston would still be picked if he showed up to the game with a needle hanging out of his arm and a dead hooker in the trunk of the car that he crashed into the light pole on the way in.

It also only counts for one tour apparently, because Josh Dugan, Blake Ferguson, Jake Friend and Valentine Holmes managed to make the team.  It’s like being sent to bed early.

I look forward to the couch-fainters at The Tele identifying player tattoos as “gang tattoos” and this entire squad having to be sent home.


Your Tri/Four Nations History

International rugby league is starting to completely go to shit for the Aussies, despite having 90% of the planet’s players.  They’ve lost three Four Nations and a World Cup to the Kiwis in the last 10 years. It’s been a delight to behold.

Of course, this disaster was under the narcoleptic tutelage of lazy buffoon, Tim Sheens.  Sheens is the coaching metaphor for shit rolling down a hill: Australia, Salford, Hull KR in the Championship.


Were you coached by Wayne Bennett?

Yes.  More than once.


Your Coach:


Mal Meninga, who is a boob.  Hang on, that’s a bit harsh.  Given the incompetence of his predecessor, his much-needed jovial demeanor, the fact that he won nine State of Origin series, maybe it’s time we looked at Mal Meninga in a whole new I’M JUST KIDDING HE’S STILL A BOOB.

A hilariously oblivious man who wouldn’t notice his house is on fire until it collapsed on him, in 2001, in the interview to declare his political candidacy for the electorate of Molonglo (!), he pulled out in the middle of the next sentence:

“And the thing about that is, I guess, I was a public figure and I was put on the podium where I was just a person out there … I’m buggered, I’m sorry, I have to resign.”



His entire credibility as a State of Origin coach was completely destroyed by KEVIN FUCKING WALTERS winning the series this year at his first pop.  Queensland are considering Brick Tamland’s lamp as coach now they’ve discovered its that easy.

Apart from the pithy “No Dickheads Policy”, Mal also managed to wrangle a $600,000 salary from the NRL to coach for four weeks a year.  This was after Wayne Bennett offered to do the job for $50,000.  That’s outstanding economics, Toddy Greenberg.

That’s like when you’re driving in Europe, see some roadside hookers, the first one tells you its €1,000 in an alley for 15 minutes and she looks like Lena Dunham, and you decide to drive on to see what other options there are.  On the same road is Gisele Bundchen offering 2 hours in a luxury hotel for €200, and you double reverse back for Lena (story may or may not be apocryphal).   But for an organisation who spent 2 million on “The Bunker” when a Fox Sports subscription is 600 bucks, economics or good decisions is not their strong suit.


Your Squad:


Why yes, there are about 5 Kiwis in that squad.

The NRL like to announce all squads now with the junior club listed.  It sounds much cuter to say a player comes from “All Saints Toongabbie” rather than “cut by Canberra after an indecent assault charge”, “on his third club after a series of off-field incidents”, or “accepted a shit-tonne of money to join his current club”.

As usual, Australia have filled their squad with six players they’ll never use because they’re stuck behind irreplacable players. Their pack in these end of season tournaments is also soft as shit, because they pick players who looked good in the playoffs, or they’re friends of Gus Gould, and he spends all year telling you they’re good (they’re not).  They’ll end up trying to wedge 4 halves and 5 fullbacks into the team by playing them out of position or giving them a stint at “lock forward” off the bench, despite lock forward not even remotely being a position any more.

The star of the Kangaroos is human kicking tee industry, Jonathan Thurston.  I dare you to find me a more useless gift.

Cooper Cronk is also a great player, but also a soulless, inane goody-goody who has all the emotional accessibility of a replicant.  His brain is 50 percent styling gel.  His equally bland team mate, Cameron Smith, will be refereeing all of Australia’s games.

Josh Dugan has the perpetually angry face of a man spending time in the holding pen at Rikers Island for six months.  And the tattoos to match.


Australia were unable to find any more people named Boyd without criminal records in the country.  I don’t know what people see in Boyd Cordner, honestly. He’s never healthy. He is made entirely of replacement parts taken from cadavers.  His butt-chin is just a target.

David Klemmer is a physical freak of nature who happens to be shitty. That’s the way it goes sometimes.  He’s picked for Tests and Origins because he looks very angry and yells at people when there’s a scuffle, so he’s considered “intimidating”.  Put him in Jake the Muss’ pub for an hour, and see how intimidating he is.

Trent fucking Merrin?

Josh Mansour’s redeeming qualities are invisible, unless you are a gay hipster.

Michael Morgan and James Maloney will fulfil the role of “confused asshole who fucks up everything when he comes on”.

You just know Matt Gillett only got those tattoos to fit in.

Cameron Smith is mailing these games in now on offense.  Get him in the commentary box.

Valentine Holmes is the first winger to be picked on the wing for Australia since Les Kiss in 1985.

Shannon Boyd is a steroid baby.

Why does Sam Thaiday feel the urge to carry his kids around at full time of every single game?  Sam represents Townsville Brothers:



What’s New That You’ll Hate:

Mal’s half time speeches will be delivered with a lisp and a stammer, and by Michael Hagan.


What You’ve Always Hated:

The obliviousness of the Australians.  They like to waffle on before every game about how tough the opposition will be, and how they have to work on their structures and game plan and WHAT A PILE OF SHIT.  Australia has 90% of the players in world rugby league, including the 10% they steal from the Pacific Islands and New Zealand.  If the NFL had a “Four Nations”, the USA would win every game by 100-0.  They seem to think they’re achieving something by turning a 10-10 halftime scoreline into a 20-10 win.

They’re awful.


What You Might Not Hate:

They’ll probably win.  Which you will hate.


Let’s remember some Aussies:

  • John Simon
  • Trent Waterhouse
  • Brad Meyers
  • Greg Florimo
  • Danny Moore
  • Jamie “The Cough Drop” Ainscough
  • Ben Ikin
  • Greg “The Dish Head” Dowling
  • Michael Vella

Trent Merrin will absolutely be on this list one day.



Author: Max Smith

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