The Haters Guide to the 2016 Four Nations: England Edition


Your Team: England proudly sponsored by Kingston Press Cider, the drink sold in 2% of English pubs!

It’s the home team! Lets rewind to the last time England hosted an international tournament…… Let’s see how it ended OH MY GODDDDDDDD…

Every time I’m feeling sad (all the time), I watch this video, and it perks me right up.

Any true English fan, of course, was completely unsurprised by the late Kiwi dick punch. It was a case of when, not if. It always is.


Your Tri/Four Nations History

The competition was expanded by expanded head of the RLIF, Nigel Wood, so that England could accurately be termed to have finished “third” in every tournament rather than the more popular “last”.

Usually they’re beaten roughly about the time of the national anthems, but occasionally, to truly crush their long-suffering supporters, they will suffer a crushing, last minute defeat.  THESE ARE EXCELLENT.


Your Coach:

Wayne Bennett Loving Super League


Those of us who cringed through the squinting, smart-ass boobery of the Tony Smith era and the irrelevant drudgery of the Steve McNamara era were quick to applaud Big Nige for signing up the greatest rugby league coach alive.  In fact, we were shocked he didn’t fuck it up.

Of course, the insular Northern fans and English coaches alike quickly noted that Bennett has a long history of not being English.  Given the options faced in choosing a coach for England – suck forever, or hire the best coach ever and see if he might make a difference – they lined up to say “fuck that”.

Jamie Peacock, Daryl Powell and Keiron Cunningham joined Tony Smith (!) in criticising the appointment.  They put forward candidates like Brian McDermott and Shaun Wane, but they meant themselves.

To placate these nitwits, Bennett pledged to appoint an English coaching staff, as long as it didn’t include Daryl Powell, Keiron Cunningham, Tony Smith, Brian McDermott or Shaun Wane.

Bennett in the greatest winner in rugby league history, and he likes to have one voice in charge, and that voice should have all the personality of a bag of Scotts Turf Builder.  We know this, because as his assistants, he’s picked a bunch of affable boobs: Paul Anderson, Denis Betts and that incredible show of integrity, Jamie Peacock. Peacock’s flip flops are worthy of Donald Trump. Just Googling “Jamie Peacock Wayne Bennett” brings these two links at the top of the results. Try it, there’s no Photoshop involved, we’re not that smart.

Jamie Peacock Wayne Bennett

Peacock is creating, to coin one of his own awful buzzwords, a CULTURE of this stuff. After enjoying the relative comfort of Gary Hetherington’s bosom for years, he’s now found himself relegated with Hull KR and he doesn’t like it. Flip flop # 2:

Leeds in 2014

Fast forward to Hull KR in 2016

One thing you know Wayne can do is put together a team of assistants: the record of his assistants who stepped up to head coach (Ivan Henjak, Steve Price, Rick Stone) is NOTHING SHORT OF STELLAR.  The thought that we’re one 66-year-old man having a health issue away from Head Coach Paul Anderson is gonna fester.

The great thing about this appointment is that England fans will know at the end of Bennett’s stint whether they are ever going to win a tournament ever.  If Bennett can’t do it, no-one ever will.  Look for numerous mass suicides if England miss the final.


Your Squad:

John Bateman (Wigan), Kevin Brown (Widnes), George Burgess, Sam Burgess, Thomas Burgess (all South Sydney), Daryl Clark (Warrington), Mike Cooper (St George-Illawarra), Liam Farrell (Wigan), Brett Ferres (Leeds), Luke Gale (Castleford), James Graham (Canterbury), Ryan Hall (Leeds), Chris Hill (Warrington), Josh Hodgson (Canberra), Jonny Lomax (St Helens), Jermaine McGillvary (Huddersfield), Mark Percival (St Helens), Stefan Ratchford (Warrington), Dan Sarginson (Wigan), Scott Taylor (Hull FC), Kallum Watkins (Leeds), Elliot Whitehead (Canberra), Gareth Widdop (St George Illawarra), George Williams (Wigan).


Unfortunately, after picking every available NRL player (eight of them), Bennett was forced to name a number of players who ply their wares in Super League.  This presents a problem, because the NRL is much faster. There aren’t as many slow, white assholes clogging up the field.

When the squad was announced, the usual hopeful optimism abounded from the fans – Great squad! Better pack than Australia & NZ!  No foreigners!  Picked by children!  Many of the people who made those comments, frankly, are retarded.

This will last until half time in game one, when they’ve scored no tries, and the squad will be roundly derided for being slow and unfit, with terrible halves, no fullbacks and too many Englishmen.  You will be able to see the hearts snapped in two like Ralph from The Simpsons in the I Choo Choo Choose you episode.

For a start, there are way too many white people.  Gone are the days when the England coach could supplement his team of slow, fat white guys with the likes of Ellery Hanley, Des Drummond, Henderson Gill, Jason Robinson and whoever that Kiwi was that Tony Smith picked.

The prospect of most of the named English squad actually taking the field is terrifying. Think pasty, slow non-descript Mark Percival versus Greg Inglis. Liam Farrell versus Josh Papalii. If jug-eared Kevin Brown just walks off the pitch alive after 80 minutes we’ll be delighted for him.

Gareth Widdup: All of the blandness of Cooper Cronk with none of the ability.

Wayne Bennett’s attempts to keep Brett Ferres away from the WAGS by relocating the squad to London appear to have been ineffective, given his late withdrawal due to “injury”. The selection of Stevie Ward as his replacement should dispel any remaining England hopes of doing better than third.

John Bateman is just a strip club fight waiting to happen.

Astonishingly, Johnny Lomax is actually fit at the end of the season. In his 7 seasons at St Helens, he’s played a total of 12 matches. It is estimated that his BARLA approved crash helmet has extended his playing career by precisely zero minutes.

Luke Gale looks like he’s been the perpetual victim of a team hazing, sporting the classic Robocop haircut.

Robocop on the Charge!

Luke Gale

Luke Gale doing his best Johnny Lomax impression

Bennett is hoping none of the England fans find out Sarginson was born in Australia. England fans can be reassured that wherever he was born, his junior club is based in Dewsbury.

What’s New You’ll Hate:

England will be playing the curtain raiser to Australia v New Zealand. In Coventry. Let that sink in for a moment. Yes, the prospect of England versus a League 1 select team is so unappealing that everyone has accepted that the only way to drum up a crowd is to lure people in with a proper game afterwards.

What You’ve Always Hated:

To England fans, throughout history, the fact that you sucked in the past is immaterial, because there’s always the faint possibility that you will find a way to stop sucking in the future.

This team always finds one game to plant dynamite inside its own asshole. Their return to glory is so far off in the distance that nothing they do in the intervening decades really matters at all.

The White Wall.  I hate its name with the gale force of a thousand seastorms.

The fact is, that it’s literally impossible to be a controversial England head coach. Wayne Bennett will pick the same team as you. Unfortunately for you (and England), that does not make you a coaching genius.

Granted, die hard Hull fans are still shaking their heads over the exclusion of Houghton, and there’s many a Cas fan who are elated Gale has made it: “he deserves it” (EAT SHIT). The reality is that the closest the Kev Brown and Johnny Lomax will get to the pitch in a real test match (this does NOT include Scotland) is bringing in the post protectors after the game.

What You Might Not Hate:

When Bennett took up the job of “assistant” coaching the Kiwis before the 2008 World Cup, no-one gave them much of a chance after the complete bed-shitting NZ threw up the year before under Gary Kemble. He won the unwinnable grand final in 2005 with Souths over Wynnum. He took a completely green Raiders team to the grand final in 1987. He won 6 Premierships with Brisbane. He won some ridiculous State of Origin series, with 2001 the standout (John Buttegieg!). He won a Premiership with St George, who hadn’t won one since the 1970s, and won’t win another one until the 2070s. He took Newcastle to a game short of a grand final, and they won the spoon by 10 points this year. And he was a second away from a 7th Premiership last year.

The guy does not know how to suck.

Let’s remember some Poms!

We’re not telling you how to suck eggs, but to remind you, the following individuals were all the BEST players in their position at the time of selection. Baffling.

  • Paul Deacon
  • Mike Forshaw
  • Simon Baldwin
  • Barrie McDermott
  • Francis Stephenson
  • Mark Calderwood
  • Darren Rogers
  • Paul Sykes
  • Ade Gardner
  • Tony Clubb
  • Francis Maloney
  • Karl Pratt
  • David Hodgson
  • Paul Atcheson
  • Chev Walker
  • Steve McNamara
  • Paul Anderson





Author: Max Smith

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