The Haters Guide to the 2016 Four Nations: New Zealand Edition



Your Team:  New Zealand!

It’s the country where crime goes to get laid.  New Zealand is a country of gorgeous landscapes, and more people would live there if not for the people who currently live there.


Your Tri/Four Nations History


The rugby league history of the Kiwis turned around after the disastrous Gary Kemble whitewash in 2007, when the Kiwis did what every other team has done in the last 10 years when all hope is gone: hire Wayne Bennett.

Since then, the Kiwis have won the Four Nations twice, and a World Cup.

That glorious run has got to be due to come to an end.  The great thing about Kiwis is they just don’t give a fuck.

Their coach just up and quit a month before the four nations, and players usually change their mind whether they’re going to play or not after the selections are made.  They always leave out three of their top players out every time for unknown reasons.  Their administrators are outstanding consumers of alcohol.

When a team wants to re-tool, they just call the agents of all the Kiwis, because they’ll play anywhere for money.  Salford, Auckland, South Sydney, the Oodnadata All Blacks…. anywhere.  They could go 0-3 in this tournament, and as long as they get their three hakas off with reasonable choreography, and they’re set for life.


Were you coached by Wayne Bennett?



Your Coach:


Nope.  Here’s my two weeks notice.



The guy now in charge is David Kidwell, whose hair looks like it was drawn by an animator cooking up a new villain to face off against Captain America.

Kearney’s replacement brings unique experience to the role: he has played for every single club in the NRL, and held Tuesday morning training sessions and held the match day walkie talkie at another five.  In the warm-up game against Australia in Perth, he forgot his best player was on the bench.

Something is deeply, deeply wrong with international rugby league when the world No 1 team’s coach quits a month before supposedly our biggest tournament, and the team just picks up a David Kidwell at the bus station.

In the future, you’re gonna struggle to remember that Kidwell once coached this team. It’ll be a black hole in your rugby league memory, much like Kemble. The man is a world-class master at staying perfectly still. I bet he kicks ass at hide and seek. Put a lampshade on his head and he’ll remain unnoticed for days. Just put a silver fern hat on a traffic cone, set it on the sidelines, call it head coach, and be done with it.


Your Squad:

Gerard Beale, Adam Blair, Jesse Bromwich, Lewis Brown, Greg Eastwood, David Fusitu’a, Tohu Harris, Shaun Johnson, Jordan Kahu, Solomone Kata, Shaun Kenny-Dowall, Thomas Leuluai, Issac Luke, Simon Mannering, Te Maire Martin, Manu Ma’u, Jason Nightingale, Kevin Proctor, Jordan Rapana, Joseph Tapine, Jason Taumalolo, Martin Taupau, Jared Waerea-Hargreaves, Dallin Watene-Zelezniak.


The Kiwis really nailed it with that squad – only two white guys, and no-one from Super League.

It’s an impressive line-up if you’ve got a time machine to go back to 2013. How the Kiwis win anything is beyond my comprehension.  Half their team is whoever the backup is for the Australian team as their starter in the same position.

Despite the big grins, Footy Show giggles and other kinds of insufferable, manufactured whimsy, the Kiwis have more than a few shitbags on their squad.

Shaun Kenny-Dowall generally regards tackling as optional, unless the player runs directly into him.  He also fucks up 2-3 play the balls per game.

Isaac Luke has not eliminated his shitbag tendency of taking the knees out of a player held by four other guys.

Tommy Leulali must have some incredibly incriminating pictures of sexy New Zealand sheep in comprising positions with a number of NZRL administrators.  Occasionally, he’ll get the ball on the last tackle by mistake, and can be 100% relied upon to kick it dead from an attacking position.

Jesse Bromwich has a perpetually confused look on his face, like he cannot believe anyone is asking him to be the captain.

We’ve all been threatened or bashed by a guy looking exactly like Jared Waerea-Hargreaves, and in many cases it actually was Jared Waerea-Hargreaves.  He’s left out of the Kiwis every second tour, probably because one of their players was bashed in camp by Jared Waerea-Hargreaves.

Tohu Harris is growing his hair out for “The Revenant 2: Bearfucker”.

Shaun Johnson is the most over-rated halfback in rugby league history.  He’s not a halfback.  He has controlled precisely zero games ever.  He is Benji Marshall incarnated.

A savage indictment of the Kiwis is they still need Jason Nightingale.

Marty Taupau is a front-runner, good for one big hit, one big run and one throat slash per game, as long as they’re 10 in front or 10 behind.


What’s New to Hate:

The 10lbs of lard each Kiwi player gains in tournaments not coached by Wayne Bennett.


What You’ve Always Hated:

They’re the French Rugby Union of rugby league.  You have no idea what you’re going to get on any given day, play or tournament.  If you’re a gambler, that sucks.


What You Might Not Hate:

Jason Taumalolo, until he’s completely misused by Kidwell, and plays 20 minutes a game. Jordan Rapana.


Let’s remember some Kiwis!

  • Brendan Tuuta
  • Gene Ngamu
  • Clayton Friend
  • Syd Eru
  • Adrian Shelford
  • Gary Prohm
  • Bruce Gall
  • Mark Horo
  • John Timu
  • Richard Swain



Author: Max Smith

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