Warner Bros announce plans to lose $70 million

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Oceans Ocho

Hot on the heels of the Ghostbusters’ all-female reboot stinking it up and costing Sony 70 million bucks, Warner Bros is rebooting Ocean’s Eleven with an all-female cast. Hollywood is in a furious race to cost themselves money pulling a Caitlyn, with a Splash reboot using Channing Tatum as the mermaid, and a girl duo 21 Jump Street.  A Weekend at Bernice’s is inevitable.

Warner Bros attempted to placate their terrified shareholders by leaking that precisely zero current A-listers would be appearing, and two of them will be musicians hoping to resurrect their putrid acting careers.  Plus, to save an additional 27% on salaries, they’ll be cutting the posse down to 8. They’re hoping that will be enough to cover every type of “you go girl” women: old confused broad, sassy broad, nervous nerd, smart-ass, compact Asian (fit inside the drop box), black gangster, ditzy Indian and obnoxious plastic surgery burnout.   Emma Watson was too busy at the UN.

In another terrible move, after failing to cast anyone from the Hispanic community, they are calling it “Ocean’s Ocho” in the hope they’ll be confused and turn up anyway.

I’m going to spoil it for you.  In Clooney’s Eleven, Ocean was a slimy scumbag ripping off a casino for $150 million so he could fuck a guy’s wife.  Anne Hathaway’s Ocho will have some sort of moral tale.  There will be a some rare whale that urgently needs $150 million for a kidney transplant.  They will need to release the Siegfried and Roy’s tigers who are being caged improperly overnight.  The casino owner, no doubt played by Judy Dench, will be syphoning the water from the Hoover Dam and risking the life of some rare wood duck.  No-one will be spunking money on a chain of hotels. Mindy Kaling will be neurotic. Rihanna will ‘take no shit’ and unintelligibly play the muscle.  Sandra Bullock will walk fast, talk fast and kick ass.  Helena Bonham Carter will swear a lot.  There will be a dumb, hunky guy who charmingly appears with a smirk, and will find a way to go shirtless.  Not Gosling – someone underpaid like Josh Duhamel.

Having female central characters for The Force Awakens, Rogue One or Jan Got a Gun has a point.  Trying to replace legendary actors and/or characters with a demographic pinwheel is a loser.  This film, and all of its type will suck, and do He for She no good whatsoever.

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Author: Max Smith

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