Why Your Team Sucks 2016: Salford Red Devils

koukash SL trophy

Some people are fans of Salford Red Devils. But many, many more people are NOT fans of Salford.  This preview is for you.

Your Team

I’d tell you their real name, but they’re just the Koukashes now.

How much did you suck in 2015?

Let’s hear from the Chairman:


Your owner

The RSPCA can be thankful that Koukash doesn’t treat his horses like he does his players and coaches, otherwise they’d be investigating 18 mystery equine deaths a year.  Quite simply, the most bonkers owner in world sport.  Think about that for a second.  But the really impressive thing is that he’s learnt absolutely nothing since buying the club, and continues to apply the same disastrous formula year-in, year-out:

  • A dozen new players?  Check.
  • New players with a history of being released for off-field embarrassments?  Check.
  • Changing kit supplier and sponsor, while announcing them as a “record deal”?  Check.
  • Threatening to sue player?  Check.
  • Signing brand-name coach with no history of success in at least a decade?  Check.
  • Tweeting abuse of the RFL, who inexplicably do not retaliate by investigating the club’s salary cap?  Check.
  • Bizarre press conference involving swearing and irrelevant gibberish?  Check.

Of course, part of the reason he carries on is his indomitable optimism. Get a load of this:

“Hopefully, when the bridge opens up, we will then only be five-minutes walk away from the Trafford Centre and its transport hub. We will be the easiest stadium to access in the top flight.

“All of a sudden, our stadium becomes a destination.”

Koukash has been told it will open in June or July, and believes the bridge could attract the 32 million people who visit the Trafford Centre every year to watch rugby league.

He said: “Imagine, you can hit the ski centre, do a bit of shopping and then walk over to watch top-quality rugby league. No other club can offer that sort of experience.

You’ve got to love the guy.  That sort of fantasy land thinking is what has kept rugby league going all these fine years.

Let’s illuminate Marwan a little bit as to what will actually happen.  32 million shoppers a year will hit the ski centre and do a bit of shopping.  They will not walk over that bridge to watch rugby league.  The stadium will not become a destination when there is a rugby league game on.  It will stay empty, and cost exorbitant rent.  Meanwhile, Sale Sharks will continue to thank the Red Devils for selling their old ground, and getting this stadium and the bridge built.

From the OFFICIAL Salford Red Devils Facebook account:

Salford Red Devils Hate Sale Sharks

Your coach


It’s Walking Dead extra, Tim Sheens.

Actually technically, it’s Ian Watson, but that’s just an official thing because Sheens’ chronic narcolepsy means he falls asleep during training sessions, games and press conferences.  And Koukash needs to yell at someone if Sheens is asleep.

When Koukash goes to fire Sheens, he should be aware that Sheens waits out a contract better than Iestyn Harris.  He went on “sick leave” at his Whitsunday Island home while the Cowboys were trying to get rid of him, and the Tigers paid him for 3 years of lounge rest after he ran that team into the ground and he refused to take any sort of settlement.  The Kangaroos had to wait til Marwan backed the Securicor truck up to his house to rid themselves of the worst ‘coach’ in post-war history.

Your squad

Salford have turned the entire 25 man roster over in two seasons.  All 25 players are touted as celebrated signings on arrival as the chairman MAKES A BIG STATEMENT.  8 internationals were released this offseason, and no-one thought a thing of it, which shows you what terrible burn outs they were when they arrived.

The initial reports that Mitchell Pearce had fled to an “overseas rehab centre” indicated he would be announced as Salford’s new signing, but it turns out he’s going to an actual rehab facility.  Sorry, Reds fans.

Don’t worry though, you still maintain your usual miscreant quota. Justin Carney will be buying Christmas cards for Brett Ferres for the next 25 years for providing an amazing distraction. “He did what? With his best mate’s wife? 🙈” 

What’s new that sucks

I’m sure you thought they couldn’t come up with any terrible idea that would suck more than the ideas of the last 3 years.  OH CONTRAIRE.  Get a load of this:

“One of the offers coming on stream soon is an exclusive ‘Chairman’s membership’.  This will include behind-the-scenes access at the Devils, his hotel in Liverpool and his horses.”

And it’ll be different from his Twitter account how?

CONSISTENCY. Now, you might be wondering why we’ve included this in this section, as it’s seen as critical to sporting success, stick with it. After Marwan heralded in the £1m kit deal with Under Armour, meaning that the global apparel giant would be paying a little over 45k for each of the 22 jerseys that would be sold — the Red Devils were promptly hit with a CCJ requesting a payment of £39,300, coincidentally, equivalent to Marwan’s weekly red wine bill. The year before that, previous kit suppliers Kooga issued a county court order against the club after it was owed £35,000. Raging Bull, I’d get that paperwork typed up and ready to go in October this year. The only positive piece of kit news in the last 36 months involved this FABULOUS SARTORIAL EFFORT from Designs by Marwan last year:

marwan jacket

What’s always sucked

Well, Salford have always sucked.  They have had zero success since Hitler’s one ball was buried.  But it was a boring, under-resourced, disinterested, inevitable type of suck.  Now it’s more like a hostage situation, where the bald, goatee bearded siege leader shoots one hostage after every loss. You’re glued to your laptop as the mobile phone footage comes in from some boring, under-resourced, disinterested rugby league reporter.

What might not suck

Well, you’re no chance of losing to the championship part timers, so while the RFL insists on this ludicrous Magic 8 Ball format, you’re staying on Super League.

It won’t suck as a Salford fan if you enjoy Hindenburg recreations, dumpster fires, train derailments and rally car crashes that wipe out half the crowd.  Or hostage situations.

Let’s hear it from the fans!

Do yourself a favour, and take a peek at the Red Devil’s Facebook page.  Sure, there’s the usual bonkers fans – but Koukash and his red wine binges look like they have a password to the account too.

salford life check

As for the fans:


The guy is a regal fu**tard


its only a friendly and its the first one, but if they play like that they gonna get hammered


here we go again,so what we saying,, no half back now,why do we keep signing crocks,cant believe what i read about our club.


fingers crossed Sheen’s experience and a bit luck in our favour we might be the surprise package…but then again this is Salford, who knows?


(On Theo Fages leaving)  No respect for him whatsoever.. But suppose you act like a c*nt if you take advise from a c*nt like long. No reason why he couldn’t of carried on playing whilst working on a transfer.. fuk him.


Getting prepared for championship rugby next season


(On Hock) He’s a wanker but when he was signed for you lot you were all licking his arse




Deadspin does “Why Your Team Sucks” for the NFL every year.  We’re league fans, so we’re doing that. 

Author: Max Smith

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