Why Your Team Sucks 2016: Widnes Vikings
Widnes Vikings are the Accrington Stanley of Rugby League. They are completely irrelevant. In fact, if you’ve heard of them before now, you are doing better than 33% of London taxi drivers- who were recently polled. Widnes is in Cheshire. But don’t let that fool you. It’s a fucking dump.
Imagine living in a quaint town with it’s lovely little undiscovered treasures where your neighbours are friendly and everyone has a real positive outlook. Now imagine selling that house and moving to a fucking dump, where the people are nothing like those back in your old hometown.
Widnesians have no grey area when assessing a player’s talents and abilities. They don’t even use a sliding scale. A player can only be either ‘class’ or ‘shit’. Coincidentally, these two categories match up entirely with whether that player is currently a Widnes player or not. If you want to fool your mates in to thinking you’re a Widnes Vikings fan, follow these simple steps. 1) Immediately and without blinking, reply to any comment about any player that’s not registered at Widnes with “He’s shit, him!”. 2) Start a fight with someone. Transformation complete.
It’s 25 years since Widnes last won any silverware and, for the poor fans, it looks as though we could be closer in time to the last trophy than we are to the next.
How much did you suck in 2015?
Christ almighty did you guys suck last year. The Widiots finished 9th in Super League when every minute mattered, which was top of the middle 8s when the previous minutes that had mattered so much stopped mattering anymore. They scraped through middle 8s in 2nd place, which was 10th overall; Beating the dross from the Championship and losing to the rest of the dross from Super League.
Naughton Park became a real fortress last season. For championship clubs. The rest of the big boy teams didn’t have much problem on the ‘iPitch’ there though. The ‘iPitch’, so called because of its futuristic nature, is just like any other synthetic pitch. Although, it is in Widnes after all. So I suppose we should let them off with that. I mean, the place only got running water in the 90s, electricity was only installed sometime around the millennium and Simms Cross still only retreat 5 metres in defence.
Let’s be objective about this for a moment. You guys were up first at the Magic Weekend. The curtain raiser game for Wakefield Trinity. Oh dear, oh dear. You sucked.
Part of Wigan’s dominant team of the early 90s under Uncle Maurice, Denis Betts knows how to win games. Erm, no. In an all-time Super League table of only current SL teams Widnes would finish bottom of the pile and have had only one playoff appearance in their 8 seasons in the competition. That is a calamitous record. I mean, hopelessly wretched:
Give it a couple of months, if Betts hasn’t pulled a miracle out of his arse, the fans will be saying, “He’s shit, him!”
Local freight and logistics businessman, Steve O’Connor might be the most normal, anonymous owner in the whole of Super League. That’s not a compliment when you consider the fruitcake ratio is about 10:2.
The most controversial thing O’Connor has done is appoint former Hull FC CEO, James Rule to a similar position, whilst he was still serving a suspension imposed by UK Anti-Doping. “What?” I hear you say, “A CEO was banned for drug use?” Not quite, just covering up former Great Britain centre Martin Gleeson after he tested positive for a stimulant. What a class act and a terrific show of leadership.
In a classic show of power just when the game needed it, the RFL said they had “no objection to his appointment”. Quelle Surprise.
This season promises to be a true Hollywood underdog story for the Widnes Vikings. A bunch of unwanted misfits that everyone has written off, thrown together and made to find a way to overcome all the odds, surpassing everyone’s expectations along the way. Well, the part about them being a shit bunch of nobodies, will happen. They are garbage. Not the part where they win any games.
Kevin Brown is the skipper and best player. Let that sink in for a moment… Now let’s move on.
What’s new that sucks
In what we can only presume is a show of solidarity with the #OscarsSoWhite movement, Widnes have gone for the baffling strapline of “BLACKER WHITER STRONGER”. Whilst not having a fucking clue what it’s supposed to mean, we can confirm that Jada Pinkett Smith was spotted drinking with Big Jim Mills in Cronton last weekend.
What’s always sucked
It hasn’t always sucked, but it has done for 30-something years: your playing squad. Ever since Jiffy, Chariots and Kurt Sorenson departed, you haven’t been able to attract the same level of player.
You did sign a player who the Immortal Andrew Johns described as the “best naturally talented player I played with” and fellow great Danny Buderus said he was “the most freakish talent I came across in my junior days.” Praise indeed. I bet you were tumescent before he arrived.
You weren’t banking on getting the Owen Craigie that had seemingly devoured another Owen Craigie, however:
What might not suck
Ray French’s recent retirement from BBC’s Challenge Cup commentary has given birth to a new segment- Ray’s Rugby League memories. Hopefully, at some point this season he’ll relive this incredible moment from Widnes history. That won’t suck. That won’t suck at all.
Let’s hear it from the fans!
@Chrisoco_09 “I’ll keep saying it! 11th place finish an in the million pound game! Complete self destruction with recruitment”
@PaulDempsey90 “Taxi for Betts #shitcoach”
Deadspin does “Why Your Team Sucks” for the NFL every year. We’re league fans, so we’re doing that.